Originally Posted November 12, 2002
From X to R:
You know, I have had a busy two weeks what with being up in Spokane to do my uncensored act and then back down to Harvey’s here in Portland and the two days of radio interviews, which was not even close to painful. Though the two weeks were so different from each other that the transition between good and evil I’ll admit was a little difficult. I loved every minute of my time in Spokane, and it was great to push out past the line for a change and not have any rules to speak of. Plus Spokane is one of my favorite cities to travel to. Then I came back to Harvey’s where I had to walk the line ever so gently.
I love doing the Portland comedy club. I love performing to 300 people and showing them what I’m made of, I love the staff and I really get along with the owner but let me tell you, It’s not really what I’m made of. Not even close. I have to cover myself in a disney suit and dance the jig that pays my bills. I fucking hate myself for every moment that I need to sell out in this business. Though that is just what this is… a business, and I can’t fault Harvey’s for calling the shots on how they want their performers to perform. I hate the fact that I need to do it though, and I know the crowd can see through me. They can tell that I’m lying to them. And it’s not the dark act that they disrespect, it’s the facade I blanket myself in like uncomfortable cloths that don’t fit worth a shit.
It’s like I’ve been caught stepping out of the scene of a crime. I have blood all over my hands and face, two dead girls lying naked in their own piss in motel room 34 I rented for a half hour and then I look at my witness in the face with a look of shame and guilt and say, ” God, who could do such a thing to these two innocent and sweet young women.”. Who am I fooling? We both know the shit I’m in and I’m so far deep in it I’m starting to choke. It’s like that… I feel dirty and guilty, and everyone can see it too.
It’s like I always say, in order to pull off dark & twisted you need to go full throttle and then even the people who hate what I have to say still respect the commitment that I have for the product that I’m selling. No one wants to fuck a whore who keeps talking about how ashamed she is for selling herself to feed her son Ramen noodles at night. Why is that, you may ask. It’s because as soon as you see that this whore is ashamed, then you know what you are doing is wrong. And people don’t want to look at their morals and question the cleanliness of their soul.
It’s the same thing in comedy. So long as the audience doesn’t have to question whether or not laughing at a retard joke is wrong, they’ll be fine at laughing at it. And you see that’s just it. I’m NOT ashamed of laughing at or joking about anything. I learned that at a very young age. Life is nothing but a collection of different types of pain all rapped up in what you think at first glance is a gift. Example: Guy buys a house for his wife and kids, they move in and are so happy because it’s their very first house. House burns down in the middle of the night killing everyone in the house but the man. He is burned beyond recognition and suffers both emotionally and physically. Very Sad story, but looking at the big picture, its a humorous and ironic. Now maybe you don’t think so, but I bet after hours an hours of crying for just one moment he stares at the ceiling and laughs, and as he laughs, he says, “Fuck, if I only didn’t buy that God Damn house! And what did we buy it for, we needed the security of our own home. ”
Well, I’m now staring at the ceiling and laughing, “Fuck! If I only hadn’t compromised my position by working a club that doesn’t let me do the act the I’m best at performing. But I needed the security of the money. I had no choice.”
Or did I?
It was only a few years later, I believe it was around 2004, I had the same choice before me. I had finally made it to the headline postion and promised myself there would be no more compromising. Berry the owner told the staff to tell me I had to clean up my act or risk being fired before the end of the week. I told them I would not change my act, it is what I was hired for, they knew how dirty I was, and Berry would have to do what he had to do for his business. And as for me, I had a business too and I wasn’t going to change my act. I was fired Sunday morning of that week and haven’t been on the Harvey’s stage since and have done just fine in Portland without it. I still talk to Berry and have no problem with the decision he made. I sleep much better with the one I made.