A day to remember forever: Japan-First leg


Before even leaving for Japan I had so much to do I had to pull an overnighter. I basically stayed up for 24 hrs and boarded a jet to San Francisco where I would begin the real journey. I fell asleep before we even took off and had about an hour an half of rest.

Here is something not a lot people think about. If you do ever have an opportunity to head to Asia, you’ll need to know this. When you fly west for a 10 hour flight across the Pacific and across the International date line, you basically are flying towards the sunset. What this means is, it is daylight… forever!

What airlines do to combat this insanity is to close all the shades, turn off the lights and help give the illusion we are flying at night. Unless there is a meal, you’ll have no idea what is happening outside the magic tube. For the most part this is an effective trick but human curiosity sets in after sporadic sleep for several hours upon waking,  one must look.


Narita, International Airport

This was my view descending into Narita just outside of Tokyo, Japan.

Then piercing light ripped through the cabin and everyone despised me immediately. We all were vampires at that moment. Truth be told, I think I annoyed my neighbors the entire 10 hours. At the point my phone slipped out of my hands and under the seat and somehow rolled back into the row behind me. (Not realizing this until after getting the couple next to me to stand up while I spread across all three seats to try and reach it)  I knew I was the dick of the trip. We had another five hours at that point, too. I effected 6 people’s peace and comfort in one full sweep. Sorry strange east Indian lady behind me who doesn’t speak english, I know you weren’t expecting a grown man to pop his head over the seat and ask for his phone. I was humbled too

Yeah, I was that guy.

 After arriving (still daylight and only 2:00 in the afternoon) I was rolled out in a wheelchair rummy-dummy, dazed and confused. The beautiful woman helping me did not understand a lot of what I was trying to explain to her because of our language barrier.  Despite my concerns about staying by the gate to wait for my POC, she whisked me away because he was not there.  I was taken through immigration and customs, I filled out my paperwork incorrectly, made lots of Japanese officials laugh several times on account of my stupidity. Then she pushed me out into the general area of arrivals and exited stage left with the wheelchair.

I was on my own now. I didn’t really know where to go or how to speak Japanese and I was holding a phone which now is basically a paper weight. I had a suitcase, laptop and a walker. I had one fully functional leg, and one that spends a lot of time in envy of the other leg.  I also had one working hand and one doing its best impression of a working hand. The task of pushing the walker and carrying two large and heavy items simply didn’t match up with the labor hired to do the task.

I was instructed by the woman at the information counter to walk down to the DOD (Department of Defense) desk. I was very happy to have figured a solution to what could become a serious problem should I not rendezvous with my driver. It was the best place to go. According to her, it was just around the corner but of course this meant, just around the corner and then it’s at the other end of the airport. Happiness can be like a cloud blowing in the wind slowly out of reach. or in my case, a cloud blowing away in a severe wind advisory.  How do you remain happy and positive when you can’t carry everything through an airport? You don’t. Instead you swear under your breath and sweat profusely until you arrive at your destination. I even put my laptop backpack  on my back thinking it would make things easier. I haven’t done that since high school because it is fucking dangerous for a cripple with balance issues. I felt like an idiot, I walked and wabbled off balance like an idiot and everyone gave me a wide berth because they were all quite sure I was an idiot.

About a half hour later (a 5 min walk for everyone else) I arrived a the DOD counter and finally an hour later,  it got worked out. I met my POC and the other headliner, Johnny then from there we traveled another three hours to Camp Fuji. At this point the two of us were running on no sleep  from our long journey. I personally was running on about 38 hrs without a good night’s rest.  I had no idea what day it was, who I was, and my body was very confused. In fact,  so confused, the left leg thought it was the right and the right leg was doing a very convincing  performance acting like my left. Finally after the longest day ever, I shut my eyes and went to bed. I didn’t know I was a cast member on “The Amazing Race.”

The positive side of this adventure is that I am here, I made it. I am overseas in Japan and for the first time ever, I am performing comedy on another continent. Hell, my adventure has really just begun.

While waiting for my driver at the DOD desk, I snapped the picture below.The Japanese have a weird fascination with cartoons and even in this photo there seems to be a little baby tentacle penis. Japenese may work like robots but I think they live in a constant state of childhood, which is pretty cool. They are always giggling and laughing at anything  silly, ie me, and I think that’s pretty damn wonderful. When you haven’t slept in over a day, though, I can attest, these colors and the cartoon pilot penis figure is intense!

Pilot Penis Figure

Pilot Penis Figure

Until my next entry.


No Risk Comedy Tour April 26th

NoRisk_poster_4_26This Sat is an important performance for me. Last summer I sat down in my back yard with my good friend and amazingly talented comedian Chris Smith and had a conversation about the industry. Through this conversation we developed a tour concept based purely on the idea comedy isn’t sold as an art form, comedians are products.

Unknown comedians like ourselves who aren’t household names never get to perform our full shows in the top comedy clubs in America or in big theaters because people buy tickets to see comedians they have heard of. They don’t want to pay for something that may or may not be funny.

There are lots of talented comedians and Chris and me are no different. For the first time we are launching a tour that is guaranteeing audiences will be entertained by this show or we will refund 100% of an audience member’s admission price. No strings attached.

It is for real, we are that confident .  We are also filming this first show to develop a commercial demo to use to get dates secured for the summer. I  need the support of my fans to make the journey up to Ridgefield, WA and be a part of something I know will finally get me the recognition so many have said I deserve. Welcome to the NO RISK COMEDY TOUR debut performance.

$15 adv. $20 day of show
Tickets by phone at 360 887-7260
Doors open at 6:15 PM Showtime 7:00 PM showtime.

Old Liberty Theater: 115 N Main Ridgefield, WA


TRUTH HURTS has Arrived

Truth Hurts DVDLast Thursday afternoon 11 boxes arrived on my doorstep. “Truth Hurts” is in my possession!  Next Saturday July 20th is my DVD release party.  This is a party. I will be doing my first live podcast of “From The Nook” and interviewing Jimmy Newstetter who performed brilliantly in my extra features sketch, Crystal Kordowski and Chris Smith, who were my amazing opening acts. I’ll have some of my favorite comedians doing showcase sets; I’ll be performing new material and we will be viewing a special features clip. We aren’t doing a cover so just come and enjoy a night of celebration and be the first to get a signed copy of my new DVD.

I’ll see you all Sat.

My Official DVD Truth Hurts Trailer

Where in the hell do I begin.

I’ve been at this for a long ass time. I first stepped on a stage in 1989.  I have had lot of ups and downs over the last 23 years.  I have had my success and my failures and in the last two years, I’ve really found comfort on stage.  I’ve been labeled too many things to give a shit.  Bookers have been reluctant to book me but I have always had an amazing relationship with my audience. I have always had passion, love  and a special connection with both my fans and for those who are seeing me for the first time.

In my 23 years, I have had a few major milestones. The first was in 1991 when I became the youngest ever to win to the Portland Laugh Off at just 19. This put me on the road professorially.  The second was the 2007 recording of my first DVD, Cripple xXx. The third was after an eight year banning at my local Comedy Club, Harvey’s, I was able to return for a one night only special event performance.  The show sold  out and I gave a once-in-a-lifetime performance which earned me a standing ovation and rekindled relationship with the owner. I must have nine lives in this career because every time people think I’m down for the count, I get back up and show my critics, this was always the only thing I was meant to do.

On March 27th of this year, I recorded live at Star Theater in Portland, OR for my newest speciel, “Truth Hurts” and  it was another epic memory in my ever-evolving career.  It is a night  I will never forget, and now you will get a chance to see the official trailer.  For the first time in my 23 years, I finally had a camera crew capture the connection I so desperately strive to get with each show.

This year has been a fantastic year for me. I leave tomorrow morning for Wilmington North Carolina and the 2013 Cape Fear Comedy Festival. If you are in the area, join myself and 100’s of other extremely talented comedians and watch us do what we love to do.

See you on the other side and I hope you enjoy.




Lonnie’s life in a pool

I have decided that I want to write and star in my own show called Lonnie?’s life in a pool. Everything would take place in the pool and I would do normal everyday jobs that I can’t do when I’m not in a pool, like UPS driver or furniture delivery man. Now in return for this treat, please help support my kickstarter project and share it, I only have 11 more days to complete my goal.



Loading Lonnie

After a long journey (like being in the Amazing Race)  I have made it to my destination. We started in Portland and flew to Seattle,  Seattle to Tokyo, Tokyo to Bangkok and finally Bali.  There will be many updates to follow, but how about we first address the Loading Lonnie post I was tagged in by Rachel.IMG_0178

In Bankok they do not have a Jetway for most flights so instead you take a bus out to the tarmac and load into the plane via the staircase. This is an old fashion way of doing things for sure, unless you are me of course.

My Thainees assistant (I know that isn’t a word but it is now) loaded me into a wheelchair and rolled me out to a truck. The money they spent on this contraption must have been $280, 000 or in their currency $ 280, 000,000,000,00,00 or Infinity $$$.  Whichever comes sooner. My personal opinion is that is is a huge waste of their money. Anyway, I get loaded into this truck.  Now you must understand, I was the only one they needed to load.  I get put into what looks like from the inside, a Chinook helicopter. From their a crew drove me out to the aircraft and the truck hydraulically lifted the entire carriage to the door of the aircraft like one of those high lift catering trucks. I get delivered to the door only after the crew knocked first and waited patiently for Flight attendant to open up the aircraft. I then safely stepped aboard my flight and took my seat.
IMG_0181I could go into even more detail but sometimes pictures are worth a thousand words and you may be asking yourself, why in the hell would I ever travel half way around the world just go through all of this?  Like I said, my life is a wonderfully scripted comedy. So why did I do it? I did it for the stories, like one of those war corespondents traveling to Syria.  They risk their life for the story. Why should I live any differently.




Ep:43 Social studies

From The Nook Podcast

On March 27th at the Star Theater in Portland, Oregon, I will be recording my new DVD “Truth Hurts” but that isn’t what this episode is about. It’s also not about my new Kickstarter project I’d like you all to go and take a look at. Sure, yes I am recording a new DVD and the project over at Kickerstarter is helping me fund it, but this episode has nothing to do with that at all.

I devoted this cast to the observation of the awkward situations we sometimes don’t realize we put ourselves in. It is about the study of our social failings.

Check out my kickstarter Project here: http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2046694635/project-truth-hurts-a-dvd-in-the-making?ref=home_location

In this episode: Social studies

  • Off yourself a bridge
  • Thailand boy/girls, Don’t be that guy
  • Hipster or Zombie

Photo Source: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-StvCFACfvAc/UJA24d5obsI/AAAAAAAAAI0/1C1Lswr-YA4/s1600/hipster_zombie.jpg


As always share my podcast with friends, enemies, and please help donate to my habits.


March 27th 2013

I can’t think of a better time than the end of the world to make a major announcement for the New Year.  Some of you who follow my career may have noticed in this last year, I have been working hard to develop a new show. This isn’t anything particularly new for me; I am always trying to improve my style and write new material. 2013 is going to be different though because all this work is for a reason.  For the first time since 2007, I am going to be recording for a new CD/DVD and digital download package. The title of the DVD is still in development but I can assure you the rest of my vision is in place. I want to invite you all to make it out to the live recording which will be happening on Wed. March 27th at 8:00 PM at the Star Theater in Portland, OR. $10 in advance and $12 at the door. 

I wish you could be inside my head to know how important this night is to me.  We have been on a long journey together and this project is very personal. Hell, the material I have been working on for the DVD is personal. This isn’t a show to push the boundaries of shock either, so if you are expecting Cripple xXx 2.0, trust me when I say, it is nothing like it at all. It’s simply my life’s story. Going forward I can also say this will be my style of comedy for the foreseeable future. I’m a storyteller and I guess I’ve always been one.

It is also a huge honor to announce the other performers on the bill for the evening. Crystal Kordowski will be hosting the show and Chris Smith from Philadelphia will be my opening act. Not only are these two comedians amazing to watch, they are some of the closest friends I have.  The respect and admiration I have for them both goes way beyond anything I can say here.  Who they are on and off the stage, how they conduct themselves in life, and their long form storytelling style are just a few of the many reasons I chose them to be a part of this special night. Both are amazing parents, honest, and hold themselves to a standard of integrity few possess.  Thank you both for being a part of it all.

How I imagine the night of March 27th going, I replay in my head on a daily bases. I cannot wait to play it out for real on stage.  Put this in your calendar and help share the moment with me and as always, thank you all for your passionate support along the way.