Nov 202013
 

After an amazing preliminary week two (where I took top spot for the week) in the Seattle International Comedy Contest. I’ve returned to Seattle, WA to compete with the top 10 from both weeks and again I’m off to a slow start. I took 7th (third from last) in the first performance at the famous Seattle Comedy Underground.

Here is the interesting part.  I drew the basic same position in the lineup as I did last week. In the first round and on the first night, I went up 9th. This was right after the secret piss break intermission for the judges. In last night’s show I drew 6th but we only have ten comedians now. I was again going up right after the piss break for the judges. Not that it matters and I don’t feel it was why I placed in the position where I did.  I don’t think it had anything to do with in fact. Coincidentally, I also placed in the same spot as last week’s first show. In my first round, I took 13th, three from the last spot. As long as I have time to break down the coincidences; I tripped going up on stage last week which became a bit of a scene. I safely made it to the stage last night but after my show I had an incident with a woman who followed me back to our private green room, and it is this particular incident I wish to discuss in today’s post.

The woman who followed me back, she tried to find the right words and with watery eyes. Now I’m thinking maybe she was about to tell me I was an inspiration. This was not the case. She explained she works with children who have special needs—ah fuck! Here we go. I was informed that because she works with special needs children, she felt passionate about advocating for them.  To make it easier on me, for the rest of this blog entry, I’ll refer to this woman as, “God’s special helper.” Anyway, G.S.H tells me she enjoyed the bulk of my material but she felt obligated to let me know we don’t use the word retard any longer and I should remove it from act forever. Mind you, this was in the green room with four other comedians sitting in the back with me and watching this slow moving train wreck heading right towards me.

You may be asking yourselves right now, how I would react to such an awkward confrontation? Well I calmly let her speak. I did not interrupt, and in fact as she complained to me about how this is a word which has been abolished from the English language, I took a sip of my beer.

After what seemed like five long and painful minutes. After paying her respect by listening to her struggle for the right words just to explain her position and her disdain for the word used in my act, it was my time to speak.

Calmly I explained, I understood why she might be offended and I respected her for making such a difficult career choice but that I have a right to dictate how I tell my story because I am disabled and I am the one who lives with my challenges. I continued to argue my position.  “While you may be upset, you also do not have a right to speak on any of your client’s behalf  because you are not disabled.” I told her, she simply couldn’t tell me what offended them and only they had the right to speak with me about it. “You have the right to be offended but NOT offended for them.”

GSH then got more worked up. “I have been working as a care taker for 40 years and I do have a right to be upset for them.”

My rebuttal, “I am actually disabled and have been for 42 years of my life. I do not get paid for my struggles in life and neither do any of your patients. They live it, I live it. It is offensive to me you would speak on their behalf and then try to tell me what I should and shouldn’t say and we are obviously not going to agree on this issue. So if you feel this passionate, you could complain to management.”

The moment ended with agreeing with this option and then she left.  The comedians seemed stunned and I just kept thinking, I hope she isn’t a judge.

Here what bothers me: It is inevitability ALWAYS someone who works with the disabled or a family member of the disabled that get offended. It is ALWAYS something they must declare too. It isn’t the work of the lord if you have to tell us what you do. Sacrificing comes without bragging rights.   So you clean their asses,  and feed them. Now all of a sudden you think you should speak for them and think for them. THEY’RE NOT FUCKING RETARDS! Isn’t this your argument?

These labels are NOT abolished from our language. Neither is nigger or fagot. So as long as I am alive and have an opportunity to tell my side of the story, I’ll remind you all that you were the ones that first came up with these words. In fact, it was the medical industry who started using this offensive term. I didn’t come up with the word retard, I didn’t come up with the word crippled but I sure in the fuck have a right to use them to make my point. Did you know lady, when I was a child and being helped by one of your colleague GSH’s, it was at a hospital called, “Crippled Children’s Hospital”? Yes. It was on the top of the fucking building in big brass lettering.

People just can’t wrap their mind around the fact that just 33 years ago, the medical community was extremely misinformed about the disabled. They were frightfully ignorant and these were dark times. My parents were told I would always be sickly and I might die. I was put in a hospital bed as a small 5 year old child in lightless hallway. I was left alone, covered in wires and strobes and left to cry and scream at the top of my fucking lungs while they observed me behind a glass window to see if stress would induce seizures. That’s RETARDED!  And to this day, I vividly remember the mid-evil practice.

Oh, and the bit I do, I mention “retard strength” in an argument with a bully. Why, because that is how children actually talk.

I think the most disgusting fact in this entire ordeal I went through is that she had to point out how offended she was with the word retard but completely ignored at one point in my last bit,  I also used the word “Fagot”. I guess the word fagot is fine though because fagots aren’t, “One of God’s specially chosen children.”  Just in case you are still confused, I was often described as “special”. If we are going to discuss offensive and derogatory terms, I’ll start with that word and will continue using the words crippled and retard until all you retards are dead.

LB

Mar 262013
 

I’m sure by now you already know that I will not be doing a podcast episode this week.  If you don’t know why, you haven’t been in the loop for the past 6 months.  It is weird to say this but tomorrow night I’ll be on the stage at Star Theater performing my new DVD, “Truth Hurts”.  It has been a  gauntlet week of comedy showcases, podcasts and live talk shows just to promote this truly magical experience I’m about to embark on.  I don’t want to blow this out of proportion.  I just know, for me, it is a benchmark play in my career. Maybe I’m not a famous comedian but I’m a lucky one.  I’m a comedy luck dragon. All stupid jokes aside, this will be an unforgettable night of comedy for me… and it is almost upon us.

Chris Smith, who is opening up for me tomorrow night and who has been headlining all week on his first west coast tour.  He has been outstanding in every performance.  Thank you for the love, support and friendship. I’m glad you could share this with me. You all will want Chris to be your uncle at your next Thanksgiving dinner. Crystal Kordowski, you are truly good from the inside out.  I have to say though; you are warped beyond repair. Who really would want to fix that? Not me.  She is hosting people and if you have never seen her.  She is queen mother of honesty, truth and justice. She will tickle your ass with her feather of broken thoughts. It is shaped like a finger and tastes like peanut butter and breast milk. Let Momma hold you until you feel better.

See you on the other side.

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Feb 282013
 

I have decided that I want to write and star in my own show called Lonnie?’s life in a pool. Everything would take place in the pool and I would do normal everyday jobs that I can’t do when I’m not in a pool, like UPS driver or furniture delivery man. Now in return for this treat, please help support my kickstarter project and share it, I only have 11 more days to complete my goal.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2046694635/project-truth-hurts-a-dvd-in-the-making

Lonald

Sep 062012
 

Every year there is big change when it comes to my style and my overall goals in comedy; after all, each year my life changes. So why in the hell should my act and opinions of life and comedy be any different?  Now when it comes to the business, in a future post, I’ll have a lot more to say on that subject, especially local scenes but for now let us just focus on me for a second.

This year I have a lot going on.  I’ll be returning to Harvey’s Comedy Club at the end of Oct as their one of two R rated comedian for the year.  Some may be thinking, who cares; you’ve already headlined a special event show every year since the ban was lifted.  Not true, my little cunnys.  I have only done two special event shows at Harvey’s since the lift because I wanted to keep it hugely successful and attendance high.  What makes this different, I am returning to headline the club for the entire week’s performances, something I have never done since the ban or even before.  I can assure you, it is something which will be, not only big, but needed:  A local comedian who will breathe a breath of fresh air of honesty into the club since, well, probably Doug Stanhope.  I’m replacing comedian John Fox, whose act died long before his real death plus, let’s face it, John wasn’t very good at being human.

In March of 2013 I will also be recording for the first new DVD/CD since the release of Cripple xXx in 2007. This will be an amazing event but I will need your help.  I am going to launch a Kickstarter Campaign in the beginning of 2013 to help fund the project.  This is where you come in.

I began thinking about how important you are in the big equation of my career and I’ll be honest here; you are the root to it all. With that in mind, a rebirth of my fan base in this phase of my career is more important than any other time in my 23 years of doing comedy.  I need your help, not just to help raise the money for the project but because the one thing I have realized is that you are the very reason why I have been so successful.   We have always had a very close connection, a bond from the stage I stand on to the seats you sit in to watch me perform.  You were the reason why I was able to return to so many clubs who feared booking me.  You are the reason I have kept the ball rolling despite the fact the comedy industry has been reluctant to get behind my type of act. I am not a comedian festivals beg to have in; I am not a comedian every mainstream club wants to headline, but yet I still perform, I still draw and still win major contests.  You are the factor which has helped in this.

I know now that I need to get back to the grass roots of what helped build my career.  I need to build my future success from the ground up.  I will never get praise from the mainstream industry.  I will only get it from the people who really enjoy my style of comedy, you.  The funny thing is if I can get enough of you to shout my name, the industry cannot ignore me.  So 2013 and beyond is all about you.  I need your feedback on what kickstarter incentives I should put into place as rewards for your donations and support.  Please voice your ideas and help create an intimate dialog between the two of us so I can give you things you really want and have you actually be a part of my next DVD project. Maybe you would want an exclusive and private email, or podcast episode made to you, a credit in the DVD package, a one of a kind signed poster or a chance to rant in a segment of From The Nook Podcast, a VIP seat at the live recording, a drink and dinner with me, a phone call to a loved one or an enemy, a private performance in your living room or just a simple acknowledgement that you were a factor in my life’s work.  The list is limitless but I need you to be involved voicing your ideas.  It starts by you commenting here or join me on Twitter or Facebook and let’s do this together.  I want to have a chance to tell all my critics they were wrong and you will be the secret weapon which allows it to happen

Lonald

May 312012
 

So I got some bad news late last night from my old road hog, Joe Fontenot.  The great John Fox lost his bout with Cancer; at least I think he did, because sadly, he couldn’t even get press on his own death.  When I Googgled (can you believe that’s a verb now) John Fox dies, nothing of importance came up; that fact is depressing because Google gives us searches we were not even interested in until we typed two words together.  “Does hitt” brings up “Does hitting a dog work?” I’m sure if it no longer works on women than dogs caught on too. “Will Hum” brings up “Will Humans live forever”  No, and John Fox proved to us that at some point even God had seen enough of his 40 year old act and gave him the proverbial light…Time to get off stage.  What would have entertained me is when I put, “Did John Fox die?” into Google; it came back with “Yes, for the last 10 years.”

Am I being insensitive?  No, I am not.  This is John we are talking about.  He was as insensitive as they come.  Any female comedian who had to share a condo with him would certainly give you their two cents about that subject. That is, if she can even talk about it pending the ongoing investigation.

R.I.P. John Fox was the facebook update Joe gave us.  That stands for Rest in Peace, which is an odd thing to say about him because if his soul lives on like he did in life than I can assure you, not only will he not rest but neither will anyone left in the same area of Heaven. I hope Heaven has a bar that stays open late.

Here is the thing: It is a loss, but we lost him long before his death.  He was a legend in the comedy community.  His act was legendary both on and off the stage.  He started doing his rated “R” act his way but unfortunately it never evolved, it just grew as tired as he did.  He didn’t know many comics by name, but not because he was an ass, he just stopped caring.  His stories from at the end of the bar were amazingly colorful.  I personally would have loved to have heard those stories hit the stage, sadly they never got there.

He had an impact on us though; at least he had one on me.  He wanted to do it his way and he couldn’t give two shits about what the industry thought he should be doing.  He had his big moments mostly in the 80’s and certainly gave us a performance at every show.

Audiences loved him.   From stage, John was that character at the end of the bar named Red with a gravelly voice, a drink in hand, and pocket full of standards “jokes” that everyone in the room could enjoy.   You would laugh hard because he was simple that way.  There was no complex style and depth that sometimes ruins comedy, he was just a longshoreman telling us a joke that maybe we had listened to a thousand times before, or maybe we had never heard it before at all, but it never mattered.  It never mattered because he had mastered the way to tell it to us.  Some people have a knack for that, usually it is that guy at the end of the bar but in Fox’s case, he just took it one step farther; into the showroom and from behind the mic.

In my honest opinion John went on stage to hear laughter, he didn’t want to be an artist, he didn’t view his act as artistic, he just wanted it to keep it simple… make them all laugh and in the end, that in and of itself is an art.

A toast to you John Fox for the all the laughter you brought to the people.  “Two firemen are butt fucking in a Smoked filled Room…” Indeed, Mr. Fox, “How do you think it all got started in the first place.”

A message from John Fox in his last months.  It is original, honest and heartfelt.  In the end he wrote something new and hopefully it has impact

Lonald

Apr 132012
 

After my mom almost died last month and then had a 180 degree turn around; it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was being slapped yet again with a harsh reminder- life is to be taken a hold of and lived to its fullest. You must work hard to accomplish what seems to be the un-accomplishable. What a disturbing cliche, I know, but so is waking up out of bed and realizing that you’ve grown lazy again and comedy is now laughing back at me.

My parents gave up a lot to see me through my dream, and I’m not about to let them down. I’m not giving this shit up after all our hard work!  If I have to hit every dive bar across America because shit bookers with empty promises are worried to give me a mic than so be it.  I’ll reach my audience some how.  I’m 40 fucking years old and I want to be noticed.  My show isn’t over and the fat lady can sing all she wants because I’ll probably book her to follow my act.  My audience loves a great singing fat lady.

It aint over till the fat lady dies

It aint over till the fat lady dies

A lot around me is reminding me as of late that life for my age bracket has some sad realities.  Mom and Dads are getting old and tired.  Judge Judy and The Price is Right  isn’t enough anymore to sell them on the idea of sticking around. So some just slip away and sometimes it isn’t pretty to see. It gives someone like me pause and perspective on my own fatality. The road I am traveling on, where it is leading me? When a comedian takes a moment to look at our surrounding, we do what we do best, we observe it, then write it down.

My new tour and CD/DVD project is doing that.  It takes a look at my life at age 40, my kids life and their childish obstacles and big dreams.  It dives into my own childhood growing up, my relationships with my parents, family, friends and lovers.  It will leave me naked to those listening and watching.  It will be me as of old but it will NOT be me busting down walls to prove a point but instead I’ll use “their” rules against them that kept me from playing “their” rooms to prove that I can say what I want and people do listen.  People do listen because it isn’t just a set up and punchline, it is my story and “It’s Personal”

Lonald

Apr 052012
 

While at a gay friendly bar— and I am pretty sure it was but it is hard to tell when living in Portland, OR.  Although I had a hunch by the bartender’s mustache.  The thing about Portland bars is its hard to tell which ones are gay friendly and which ones are just friendly. I don’t care either way but knowing might help me figure out the type of game I’ll need to play to get the free drink.

Bartender

Anyway like I said, while at what I think may have been a gay friendly bar, I wrote out the new set list I’m working on for my new DVD/CD. “It’s Personal” At present it is  roughly 55 min long and that is timed without including the new stuff not yet flushed out. That means there still might be material dropped from the set and new bits added you have never heard.  I hate to say the word, “bit” because I don’t do bits, I tell stories, but I hope you get the point or your fucking stupid.

I should mention though,  the first 12 min of material is brand new to almost all of you that haven’t seen my set in the last month. Followers, lovers, haters and broken souls who unfortunately fell into this site;  I haven’t worked this hard on a new act since I dropped my old squeaky clean act from the beginning days of my career in the late 90′s  to the provocative, edgy one you all are familiar with now. You should know that this new project is not about being dirty but being honest and personal.  It isn’t about trying to shock you but rather doing what I do best, leading you all down a rabbit hole and getting you all out safely.   It is about my personal challenges in life, my sons, my my rapidly ageing body and my middle aged adventures and those who I love coming to the end of their adventures. It is personal, and I’m still not sure what the end result will be, but it will NOT be Lonnie of old, it is a brand new transition and my forever evolving act.

Here is my question though, and please respond by commenting: What do people really want, DVD or a CD that is easily played in cars, duplicated for friends easily or a web based act downloaded from the website or Itunes?  What media format is best for you?
Don’t count me out of the game yet, cause the race has really just begun.
Lonald

ep6: Hand Jobs

 FTN Podcast, life  Comments Off
Mar 202012
 

From The Nook Podcast

In this episode I discuss the following:

The word out on the town is that the job market has crashed and there is nothing out there for the common worker. I bring to light  the many employment options awaiting you across the country, how to make a legitimate easy income without implementing some fast make it rich scam. I also discuss opportunities for the elderly to feel like they are contributing to our society instead of dieing home alone.

Also an important mention about a great story tellers comic benefit for legendary comedian Ron Shock who is battling cancer. It is this Sat night on March 31st in Portland, OR at the Star Theater.

Lonald