Posted originally June 28, 2004:
so it has been a good long time since I’ve had an opinion that was strong enough to be added as another installment into the rant section on the site because I’m not going to just rant to rant, I’ve got to have some passion behind my words to make it worth anyone’s while to read, but believe me, I have the passion to push the throttle down on this topic. I’ve got a serious beef with Comcast and what better place to throw my dick around then in a rant. So go get a drink, and get comfortable cause I’m off and running. Which by the way is a figure of speech for you numbfucks that are saying to yourselves, “He’s crippled, he can’t run, can he?”
You know what I’ve figured, I’ve come to the conclusion that any business that has the word “com” in it never has good business ethics. Let’s just say “com” companies if they have any ethical spine at all, have a bad case of scoliosis. You know like those kids back in middle school that walked around in a back brace because they were sporting the letter “S” for a spine.
Can you think of a company that has “com” in it anywhere that was ever up to any good? Viacom, nope… evil. Compaq, shittiest computer ever made. Entercom pretty much owns the airwaves; maybe they haven’t let that kind of power get to their heads. I’m sure those big wigs don’t wield their sword around at all. Oh, wait, yeah they do, what was I thinking? Mr. Entercom… is that the FCC in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. Enron, okay so they don’t have “com” in the title but it is sort of a coincident they are only a couple letters off, I’m sure the share holders considered Encom but figured it would throw up red flags so the powers that be decided to go with the latter.
Of course that brings us to Comcast; A company that is run by the swarming of Satan’s parasitic jizz. I picture the headquarters of Comcast to be an 80 story long milky white transparent sausage skin with billions of little movements within, pulsating and stretching the skin out at the seams; Until it bursts open with a black cloud of clattering shelled half beetle, half roach insects scattering across the ground like spilled marbles and followed by a warm putrid breeze of fresh death, both pouring into every house and business until not one building is left without cable.
I know what you all are thinking, but Lonnie, why the positive spin on a company that you are so furious with? I don’t know really, maybe it’s the time I have on my hands.
Okay, the reason I am so upset is because Comcast shits on their costumers. It’s really that simple. Sure the reps are polite when you call them on various issues. The work crews that come over and hook up your cable are polite enough considering their incompetence and lack of education in this or any field for that matter, but that is to be expected. This is the basic customer service that you should receive from any company. What I look for is the above and beyond service, the company that doesn’t just fuck you and leave, but kisses you while you sleep soundly and leaves a cute little poem on a card next to the flowers on your night stand telling you it was an unforgettable night of passion. Now that’s the service we should come to expect from companies but we don’t expect that, we’re happy if they just use our last name in a sentence. “Mr. Bruhn, is there anything else I can help you with?” No, but since we’re friends now, what are you doing this forth of July, I’m having a barbecue?”
So let me take you back in history about two years. Back when it was a simpler time. That’s when kids played kick the can in the streets, my wife and I were still so in love, the Internet was used primarily for research and Comcast was AT&T. I decided to upgrade from the low end internet speed, to highspeed broadband; which after my very short lived introductory price jumped up to $55.00 a month. No big deal really, it is to be expected. Then of course AT&T was possessed and devoured by the little shelled jizlets of Comcast and service was hardly even interrupted.
Comcast then made us a deal that we could not refuse, really, we couldn’t. If we add cable television to the broadband package we already have, we would save $10.00 on both broadband and cable but if we didn’t take this offer, our broadband would even be more expensive. “Thanks Comcast, maybe next time you could spit on the hole when you poke us or does that higher end respect cost more too?”
For the last two years we have spent $105.00 a month on services from Comcast. That is $1,260 a year, $2,520 in two. I think that says a lot about me as a customer. I believe that says I am a pretty devoted account and I know that I’m not the only one that pays out this kind of money, I’m sure that they have accounts that pay out twice as much and who have been with them twice as long.
Last week I saw an ad on the television that was to entice those without cable to purchase Comcast services. The deal was the best deal I have ever seen. Get this: if you were to call them and start an account, you’d get the digital silver package which includes 300 channels, PLUS HBO, a premium channel and two digital receivers for different rooms of the house for only 29.99 a month for 12 months. Now without breaking down the entire price chart here because really, who cares, you would save a shit load of money. Trust me on this one.
My point here is that while that is great for the new costumer (and I’m not saying that the newbie shouldn’t get an incentive offer) it is basically sending a message to the blue blood accounts that our time and money is already in the bank and only worth the interest that it rolls on. Which begs the question, how does a company like Comcast keep its empire, on the backs of newer accounts with huge incentive deals or through their loyalty accounts which pay out at full cost month after month?
I’m not so bold as to say that I have the answer to that question but hey, you know what would be nice, if companies like Comcast could give us loyal users some respect for a change. What is so wrong with a company giving us a bit of a break for the thousands of dollars we have lined their pockets with over the years? There is a reason you don’t go fucking a stranger when you’ve been married to your partner for years on end. And it is not because it is morally wrong. That’s not why your spouse ends up divorcing your cheating ass and taking half of everything you own. No, you never see those words in the court transcript.
“Well your Honor, I want everything because what those two did was a morally disgusting sin in the eyes of our great lord.”
No, it is more like, “Do you know how many years I put up with this piece of shit? Do you, your Honor? Well let me tell you: All those years that we lived in poverty, and the years I worked my ass off so this ball sack could have a few extra enmities. Or how about the difficult years he was in that bad depression, oh and after the accident, who was there in the hospital every night at his side? That was me. And what do I get in return… I get to catch my husband of fifteen long grueling years fucking some slabby, filthy, two-bit transient whore that he met at the bar and in one evening she gets the easy end of his street. I can’t even get flowers as a gesture of love and support the day I’m laid off from work, and she gets two long islands with a twist of Chambord on my sweat and tears. I get the equivalent to him jacking off into my pussy. You know what she gets? She gets to cum so many times he needs to throw water on her war trench just so it doesn’t catch fire. I’ll tell you what, you put up with that bag of turd for as long as I did, then you can fuck till your silly little hearts desire. Hell, I’ll even film the documentary, until then I’m taking everything we own… even the God Damn tent! I’m sure your tart will flip the bill for a room at the motel and if not you’ll do well at the mission… you’re a people person”
This is why partners go ballistic. It is not a moral issue. It is time invested and not one… ounce… of… respect…
Well guess who I just caught fucking the newbie account that I so affectionately call the transient whore? Say it all together now, COMCAST!
It’s simple really, instead of throwing around incentive deals for people who have never subscribed to your services, maybe if it’s not too much to ask, why not give us blue bloods a break? I just feel like you don’t give a rat’s ass about us anymore. However, throwing us a bone once in a while might be a nice way of reminding us that you do. Like maybe a free month of cable or high speed broadband, a premium channel for 30 days, or a discount on a premium channel… something for fuck sake. I’d be happy with a card on my birthday. They call that an incentive to stay. Because if I don’t get as much as a thank you at some point then as soon as I have another option, I’m lifting anchor and moving on.
I spoke about this issue with a friend of mine and explained that I felt it was bullshit, like I’m being pissed on and do you know what he said to me? He said, “Lonnie, they don’t really have to do anything now, they have you and you’ve been paying that high end price because you need the service and what choice do you really have.”
As much as I’d like to slap my friend across the face for such filthy lies being uttered to me with eyes wide open, I have to just stand there and endure his slap of pure honesty. And it is true, there is nothing I can do, the service is needed. It is either Comcast or static television channels and AOL.
It’s like finding my wife fucking another man and realizing that I’m fat with a scared face because I picked at my chicken pox with a screw driver when I was a kid. When you look like the singer Meatloaf and Seal were spliced together to make the ultimate ugly, you could either divorce her and beat your dick up on a daily basis or pretend that you have a fetish for watching her fuck strangers in your bed. “No, honey, those are tears of pleasure, and the shaking, that’s not anger you silly head… that was just an orgasm, no really, you two continue.”
Or do I have a choice? You know Comcast would love for us to think that we are backed up against a corner but we do have options. This reminds me of a company years back that had a similar negative customer service mentality. Is Qwest ringing a bell? Not much anymore. They thought because we had no other choice in telephone company service that we had to deal with their shit. Their customer service policy was simple, they didn’t need one. What were we to do, go without a phone? Well three major changes occurred that would change their policy of thought forever. The first was the investigation into and probing by the Justice department for their unlawful accounting practices and because Qwest had the worst complaint record of any company in the history of US business. The second was that other phone companies were able to share their lines and compete for their business. The final blow was the invention of the cell phone and their willingness to whore themselves out for practically nothing. So what did we do, we told them to go fuck themselves and we bought cell phones and dropped our LAN lines. Now Qwest is striving to bounce back and they have these stupid commercial campaigns that try to get us to believe Qwest employees are our new best friends. Well once a cheater, always a cheater. Sometimes you just need to think outside the box to find other options.
(Back to my analogy) There is someone for everyone so don’t you fret, Mr. Sealoaf. You download yahoo messenger and find that group that loves the fat folds and scared faces; trust me, they are out there. Go to the nearest terminally ill group therapy session and whisk Miss Sloth looking cancer lady off of her ill weakened feet and take her home and give her the best 3 weeks of her life she has left. Then take your inheritance and purchase you the Russian bride you’ve always deserved.
Meanwhile as you teach your lovely new Russian bride how to give a good old fashion American hummer, I’m also going to do my part to receive a bit of respect from my local cable company. Yeah, I could simply just leave it at this. A well worded rant and humorous and colorful analogies for the entertainment of my readers but I honestly feel I’d be falling short of my point.
Look, getting on a soap box never serves a purpose other then feeding the preacher a tasty dose of egocentric pride. I plan on thinking outside of the box. I’ll write those shelled jizzlets at the top of that sausage skin and tell them how I feel. Maybe it will not do a bit of good, but this company might have learned a lesson from Qwest. They might read my letter and say, “You know, that gimp has a point,” then sneak into my house in the middle of the night and kiss me on my forehead while I sleep and whisper, “Thank you for your many years of devotion. Now here is a free month of HBO.”
And if not… one day their competition will move into town and finally I’ll have my three week living cancer patient to sell off for that Russian bride.
Now how about that for an incentive package?
It’s 2009 now, and I have my Russian Bride. Her name is Direct T.V. She’s a little manly but she’ll do.