Jan 102009
 
I'm a drunk photo

I'm a drunk photo

My first and only one I’ll ever do.

Would you shave your head if a family member asked you to because they had cancer?
I’d shave my head to make fun of a family member who had cancer.

What would you do if the doctor told you that you were pregnant?
I wouldn’t worry to much, i fall a lot, so it’s not like it would go to term.

Did the one person who hurt you the most in your life apologize?
Not yet, but when i get to heaven I’m going to ask him to.

Are you good at hiding your feelings?
If by feelings you mean body parts than yes

Are you wasting your time on someone?
I’m wasting my time on this and so are you. It’s just like a relationship, you know it’s going no where but continue anyway..

Explain the last time you threw up:
When i had to to cut the body up. i just don’t have a stomach for it.

Last thing that made you cry:
The last time I made love, and that really bothered her, so now we aren’t together anymore.

Do you have a bad temper?
WHAT THE FUCK! Why don’t you mind your own fucking buisiness. This survey is a cunt wrap.

Do you think you’ll be married in 10 years?
Not if i don’t get the divorce

How many funerals have you been to in your lifetime?
Am i counting the family member I made fun of for having cancer?

How often do you think about suicide?
during this survey… every question so far.

What is your deepest fear?
for this not to ever end

Do you REALLY love all your family?
The ones that are dead seem to be surprisingly supportive.

What do you want to believe in?
That the way a fuck session starts out in Porn were real. Then being a plumber wouldn’t be a shameful job. it would also explain why they have the ass crack.

Do you have a secret crush on someone?
there is this man I have to suck off for money, and he seems pretty kind, he doesn’t even blow the load in my face because he knows i’m not gay and just hard up for cash.

Are you proud of who you are?
I was until I had to suck that guy off for money.

Do you feel alone even in crowded rooms?
What’s better is that I yell out I’m alone in crowded rooms and surprisingly people leave.

What is the worst thing a person could do to you and still be forgiven?
I forgive nothing. I’m holding it all in until I burst. Then I plan dressing up as an easter bunny and going on a family killing spree. Id dress up like Santa but apparently that’s already been done.

You’re dying in 10 seconds, what are your last words to your best friend?
Sorry i ruined Easter.

…to your worst enemy?
Did you know it was me in the bunny suit.
i bet the limp and cane gave it away

or Hey, I have Aids and I spit in your last drink.

Do you care if people hate you?
it bothers me more when they like me.

Freedom or safety?
I’ll let you know when i get a chance to do both.

Think of a random person, and give them a message here, no names:
No really the gun is real.

Has a song ever made you cry?
Only songs about onions

A book ever made you cry?
reading does

Is the world crumbling to pieces?
Only a myspace survey would ask such a stupid fucking question.

Name on moment where you couldn’t control your rage:
This moment.

Name one moment where you sincerely wanted to just die:
When mom locked me in a box for not feeding the hamster.

For the last one, just say anything you want, anything at all:
I have the urge to write a thousand more questions

Jan 032009
 

Posted originally June 28, 2004:

so it has been a good long time since I’ve had an opinion that was strong enough to be added as another installment into the rant section on the site because I’m not going to just rant to rant, I’ve got to have some passion behind my words to make it worth anyone’s while to read, but believe me, I have the passion to push the throttle down on this topic. I’ve got a serious beef with Comcast and what better place to throw my dick around then in a rant. So go get a drink, and get comfortable cause I’m off and running. Which by the way is a figure of speech for you numbfucks that are saying to yourselves, “He’s crippled, he can’t run, can he?”

Idiots!

You know what I’ve figured, I’ve come to the conclusion that any business that has the word “com” in it never has good business ethics. Let’s just say “com” companies if they have any ethical spine at all, have a bad case of scoliosis. You know like those kids back in middle school that walked around in a back brace because they were sporting the letter “S” for a spine.

Can you think of a company that has “com” in it anywhere that was ever up to any good? Viacom, nope… evil. Compaq, shittiest computer ever made. Entercom pretty much owns the airwaves; maybe they haven’t let that kind of power get to their heads. I’m sure those big wigs don’t wield their sword around at all. Oh, wait, yeah they do, what was I thinking? Mr. Entercom… is that the FCC in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. Enron, okay so they don’t have “com” in the title but it is sort of a coincident they are only a couple letters off, I’m sure the share holders considered Encom but figured it would throw up red flags so the powers that be decided to go with the latter.

Of course that brings us to Comcast; A company that is run by the swarming of Satan’s parasitic jizz. I picture the headquarters of Comcast to be an 80 story long milky white transparent sausage skin with billions of little movements within, pulsating and stretching the skin out at the seams; Until it bursts open with a black cloud of clattering shelled half beetle, half roach insects scattering across the ground like spilled marbles and followed by a warm putrid breeze of fresh death, both pouring into every house and business until not one building is left without cable.

I know what you all are thinking, but Lonnie, why the positive spin on a company that you are so furious with? I don’t know really, maybe it’s the time I have on my hands.

Okay, the reason I am so upset is because Comcast shits on their costumers. It’s really that simple. Sure the reps are polite when you call them on various issues. The work crews that come over and hook up your cable are polite enough considering their incompetence and lack of education in this or any field for that matter, but that is to be expected. This is the basic customer service that you should receive from any company. What I look for is the above and beyond service, the company that doesn’t just fuck you and leave, but kisses you while you sleep soundly and leaves a cute little poem on a card next to the flowers on your night stand telling you it was an unforgettable night of passion. Now that’s the service we should come to expect from companies but we don’t expect that, we’re happy if they just use our last name in a sentence. “Mr. Bruhn, is there anything else I can help you with?” No, but since we’re friends now, what are you doing this forth of July, I’m having a barbecue?”

So let me take you back in history about two years. Back when it was a simpler time. That’s when kids played kick the can in the streets, my wife and I were still so in love, the Internet was used primarily for research and Comcast was AT&T. I decided to upgrade from the low end internet speed, to highspeed broadband; which after my very short lived introductory price jumped up to $55.00 a month. No big deal really, it is to be expected. Then of course AT&T was possessed and devoured by the little shelled jizlets of Comcast and service was hardly even interrupted.

Comcast then made us a deal that we could not refuse, really, we couldn’t. If we add cable television to the broadband package we already have, we would save $10.00 on both broadband and cable but if we didn’t take this offer, our broadband would even be more expensive. “Thanks Comcast, maybe next time you could spit on the hole when you poke us or does that higher end respect cost more too?”

For the last two years we have spent $105.00 a month on services from Comcast. That is $1,260 a year, $2,520 in two. I think that says a lot about me as a customer. I believe that says I am a pretty devoted account and I know that I’m not the only one that pays out this kind of money, I’m sure that they have accounts that pay out twice as much and who have been with them twice as long.

Last week I saw an ad on the television that was to entice those without cable to purchase Comcast services. The deal was the best deal I have ever seen. Get this: if you were to call them and start an account, you’d get the digital silver package which includes 300 channels, PLUS HBO, a premium channel and two digital receivers for different rooms of the house for only 29.99 a month for 12 months. Now without breaking down the entire price chart here because really, who cares, you would save a shit load of money. Trust me on this one.

My point here is that while that is great for the new costumer (and I’m not saying that the newbie shouldn’t get an incentive offer) it is basically sending a message to the blue blood accounts that our time and money is already in the bank and only worth the interest that it rolls on. Which begs the question, how does a company like Comcast keep its empire, on the backs of newer accounts with huge incentive deals or through their loyalty accounts which pay out at full cost month after month?

I’m not so bold as to say that I have the answer to that question but hey, you know what would be nice, if companies like Comcast could give us loyal users some respect for a change. What is so wrong with a company giving us a bit of a break for the thousands of dollars we have lined their pockets with over the years? There is a reason you don’t go fucking a stranger when you’ve been married to your partner for years on end. And it is not because it is morally wrong. That’s not why your spouse ends up divorcing your cheating ass and taking half of everything you own. No, you never see those words in the court transcript.

“Well your Honor, I want everything because what those two did was a morally disgusting sin in the eyes of our great lord.”

No, it is more like, “Do you know how many years I put up with this piece of shit? Do you, your Honor? Well let me tell you: All those years that we lived in poverty, and the years I worked my ass off so this ball sack could have a few extra enmities. Or how about the difficult years he was in that bad depression, oh and after the accident, who was there in the hospital every night at his side? That was me. And what do I get in return… I get to catch my husband of fifteen long grueling years fucking some slabby, filthy, two-bit transient whore that he met at the bar and in one evening she gets the easy end of his street. I can’t even get flowers as a gesture of love and support the day I’m laid off from work, and she gets two long islands with a twist of Chambord on my sweat and tears. I get the equivalent to him jacking off into my pussy. You know what she gets? She gets to cum so many times he needs to throw water on her war trench just so it doesn’t catch fire. I’ll tell you what, you put up with that bag of turd for as long as I did, then you can fuck till your silly little hearts desire. Hell, I’ll even film the documentary, until then I’m taking everything we own… even the God Damn tent! I’m sure your tart will flip the bill for a room at the motel and if not you’ll do well at the mission… you’re a people person”

This is why partners go ballistic. It is not a moral issue. It is time invested and not one… ounce… of… respect…

Well guess who I just caught fucking the newbie account that I so affectionately call the transient whore? Say it all together now, COMCAST!

It’s simple really, instead of throwing around incentive deals for people who have never subscribed to your services, maybe if it’s not too much to ask, why not give us blue bloods a break? I just feel like you don’t give a rat’s ass about us anymore. However, throwing us a bone once in a while might be a nice way of reminding us that you do. Like maybe a free month of cable or high speed broadband, a premium channel for 30 days, or a discount on a premium channel… something for fuck sake. I’d be happy with a card on my birthday. They call that an incentive to stay. Because if I don’t get as much as a thank you at some point then as soon as I have another option, I’m lifting anchor and moving on.

I spoke about this issue with a friend of mine and explained that I felt it was bullshit, like I’m being pissed on and do you know what he said to me? He said, “Lonnie, they don’t really have to do anything now, they have you and you’ve been paying that high end price because you need the service and what choice do you really have.”

As much as I’d like to slap my friend across the face for such filthy lies being uttered to me with eyes wide open, I have to just stand there and endure his slap of pure honesty. And it is true, there is nothing I can do, the service is needed. It is either Comcast or static television channels and AOL.

It’s like finding my wife fucking another man and realizing that I’m fat with a scared face because I picked at my chicken pox with a screw driver when I was a kid. When you look like the singer Meatloaf and Seal were spliced together to make the ultimate ugly, you could either divorce her and beat your dick up on a daily basis or pretend that you have a fetish for watching her fuck strangers in your bed. “No, honey, those are tears of pleasure, and the shaking, that’s not anger you silly head… that was just an orgasm, no really, you two continue.”

Or do I have a choice? You know Comcast would love for us to think that we are backed up against a corner but we do have options. This reminds me of a company years back that had a similar negative customer service mentality. Is Qwest ringing a bell? Not much anymore. They thought because we had no other choice in telephone company service that we had to deal with their shit. Their customer service policy was simple, they didn’t need one. What were we to do, go without a phone? Well three major changes occurred that would change their policy of thought forever. The first was the investigation into and probing by the Justice department for their unlawful accounting practices and because Qwest had the worst complaint record of any company in the history of US business. The second was that other phone companies were able to share their lines and compete for their business. The final blow was the invention of the cell phone and their willingness to whore themselves out for practically nothing. So what did we do, we told them to go fuck themselves and we bought cell phones and dropped our LAN lines. Now Qwest is striving to bounce back and they have these stupid commercial campaigns that try to get us to believe Qwest employees are our new best friends. Well once a cheater, always a cheater. Sometimes you just need to think outside the box to find other options.

(Back to my analogy) There is someone for everyone so don’t you fret, Mr. Sealoaf. You download yahoo messenger and find that group that loves the fat folds and scared faces; trust me, they are out there. Go to the nearest terminally ill group therapy session and whisk Miss Sloth looking cancer lady off of her ill weakened feet and take her home and give her the best 3 weeks of her life she has left. Then take your inheritance and purchase you the Russian bride you’ve always deserved.

Meanwhile as you teach your lovely new Russian bride how to give a good old fashion American hummer, I’m also going to do my part to receive a bit of respect from my local cable company. Yeah, I could simply just leave it at this. A well worded rant and humorous and colorful analogies for the entertainment of my readers but I honestly feel I’d be falling short of my point.

Look, getting on a soap box never serves a purpose other then feeding the preacher a tasty dose of egocentric pride. I plan on thinking outside of the box. I’ll write those shelled jizzlets at the top of that sausage skin and tell them how I feel. Maybe it will not do a bit of good, but this company might have learned a lesson from Qwest. They might read my letter and say, “You know, that gimp has a point,” then sneak into my house in the middle of the night and kiss me on my forehead while I sleep and whisper, “Thank you for your many years of devotion. Now here is a free month of HBO.”

And if not… one day their competition will move into town and finally I’ll have my three week living cancer patient to sell off for that Russian bride.

Now how about that for an incentive package?

LB

Update:

It’s 2009 now, and I have my Russian Bride. Her name is Direct T.V. She’s a little manly but she’ll do.

LB

The Year 2009

 life  Comments Off
Jan 032009
 

Okay folks. Look If I don’t put it out there than I guess the universe and the world just will never know I want it.

So here it goes:

I want to have my year filled up with bookings and rise to the top of comedy to be a known and loved by all. I would like all my fans to tell everyone they know about me, sending them to my myspace and website so new people will get a chance to see my stuff. I want everyone to join my mailing list and for bookers and club owners to no longer be afraid of the inevitable.

I would like everyone to donate a buck to me knowing full well that 100% of it will be spent by me for no other reason than to have a blast.

I want to have made my first $150 thousand dollars and sending me buck will certainly help the cause.

I want a new car. The Nissan Z series.

I want to be in my new apartment

I would like it if all of you would place me in your 1 friends spot until after the February 25th show at Harvey’s so I will be seen by thousands more of your friends and so the Harvey’s show will sell out. Clubs need to realize comedy is an art and not meant to be generic, stale and soulless.

I would like to have my own show on HBO or Showtime and maybe even star in soft porn on Cinemax.

I would like to be placed in all the major festivals like Boston, Aspen and Montreal.

I would like my new projects that I am working on to be hugely successful.

I want 2009 to be the year of the Bruhn. And I would like everyone to have the overwhelming need to want to help make all this possible.

I would like Magic Johnson to either admit he was lying or sell his blood to science.

I want to be focused this year, powerful and give performances that people will never forget.

I want 2009 to be a fucking good time.

You can never get things unless you ask. So there. Now you know.

Donate your buck here: