This simply was one of my favorite. And even though the rant was done in 2002, do the class project at the bottom anyway and the winner gets a free DVD.
Originally posted June 20th, 2003
Presbyterian Healthcare Services
05/31/2003, 04:17:04 PM PHS Messaging System
Your message sent to <lmanzana@phs.org> with the subject of The return to Salem, OR!!! & new site updates was declined for delivery due to Profanity and the use of the word(s)
List:Profanity
Found the expression “cunt” 2 times, at 12 points each, for an expression score of 24 points.
=============================================================
Total Message Score: 24 points..
If you feel this message was incorrectly declined please contact the Presbyterian Healthcare Services postmaster.
Now this is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, this is a work of art. This was sent to me in response to a newsletter I recently sent out to my emailing list and apparently some email agent I sent it to did not appreciate the colorful language I chose to use. Well aint that a kick in the old baby-shoot. Maybe if I would have chosen that phrase instead, those people would have gotten my newsletter. Shame on me.My question is, who in the f#ck is stupid enough to see my act and then think it would be a good idea to give me an email address from the Presbyterian Healthcare Services? Isn’t there a software agent I could get a hold of that would block that jag-nut from interacting with me in any way? I talk about “f#cking retards and throwing rocks at Mongoloids, you’d think their Presbyterian God might have given them a sign of some sort telling them, “No, don’t hand over your work email, you idiot.” Did these people really think after sharing the fact I jacked off in Wyoming until I shot all over myself that I’d run home and write a child’s book for my newsletter? Yes, I want all of you on my newsletter so I can swap recipes and night time prayers. Hell, what were they even doing at my show? Any company that’s going to have that kind of software on their system probably would have them fired for even stepping into the club, not to mention the eternal fiery depths of hell they’ll suffer in for opening their minds to my kind of thinking. You free thinking heathens.
See people, this is how we get material because wonderful gems get dropped into our laps like this. It’s like the time I went to a nudie bar and the hag working behind the bar said she’d be right with me but because none of the dancers showed up to work that meant she had to go up and fill in. I Sh$t you not! This kind of stuff just can’t go ignored.
Okay back to the issue. I tried but I just can’t do it anymore, I tried to kep this rant clean for the sake of my argument but FUCK this is so stupid. No one can ever tell me that God isn’t cruel when he gives people like this an opportunity to breath.
The entire thought process behind this software is ignorant and here’s why: The software is telling you it will bounce your email out of its servers until you rewrite a “morally correct” email; and then and only then will life be peachy keen. I’ve got news for you, this isn’t going to work. Look I have nothing against a company wanting a clean email, but an email is not considered clean by words alone. You have to take into account the writer’s intentions. The bottom line is the word “c#nt” doesn’t get caught up in the filtering system, and are they telling me that just a fucking pound sign changes the intent of the word. Is the Presbyterian God the God of syntax? “The word cunt shall be banished from your village, and we will replace it with C#nt! Your God has spoken, now go and kill me a thirteen year old virgin.
It even gets worse. This thing gave me an expression score!!! What the fuck, really? You mean to tell me the word cunt is worth only 12 points? Where do they come up with that score? I had no idea that the Presbyterians were into Numerology. The word cunt has 4 letters which is added to the amount of letters of the word that it refers to, “females”. That comes to 11, then add 1 because that is the number of how many times I’ve come into contact with one just this week alone.; which totals to “12”. Now I’m not sure how numerology really works but that’s how my religion works.
All joking aside, I did a bit of research and believe it or not numerology does use the same meaning, “expression score” It seems to me that it would be a lot easier to just use a scale of 1 to 10. You’d think the word cunt would be right at the top end but the “expression scale” doesn’t work like that. What is the score for mother fucker? What kind of score do you get for molesting a child, or stealing all the retirement money of an eighty year old lady? I know, I know, you get a high five and get to be the minister of the church. I want to know what beats out the word cunt anyway? It even counted the number of times I said the word, too. What really gets me is the fact the program used the word when it sends it back to me. What kind of double standard bullshit is this? Maybe I don’t want an email to come in using that kind of language, I could have a Pilipino child checking my email while he makes me a pair of shoes for all this company knows. I’d complain but we all know it will never get there. And one more thing, if I was scored twice for 12 points adding up to a whapping total of 24 points (which in my book just means I’m slipping) and they said it once, shouldn’t that at least offset 12 of my points? Under those rules, I’ve only scored 12 and I feel that anything under 20 should get the email through, cunt or no cunt. (I know it’s a lot of math to handle all at once.)
Well I hope we all have learned something from this entire ordeal. The first being that you should NEVER give me an email address that’s from your church. The second is it looks like I’m going to have to write C#nt instead of Cunt, because I wouldn’t want to discriminate against any Presbyterians. They need to receive my newsletter too. Once in awhile they’ll need to hear the truth, wouldn’t that be refreshing. Or do they filter that out too? I hope not, because then I know I’ll be fucked; the truth is all I got.
(Even though the word cunt was used a lot, no cunts were harmed in the making of this rant.)
This post received an expression score of: “216 points”
LB
————————————————————————————————-
Class project:
So here’s what I want to do. I have a class project. It’s going to be a contest. Let’s see who can get the highest expression score, and the winner gets one of my DVDs for free.
Here are the rules:
Send an email to the Presbyterian Health care center.< info@phs.org> It can’t be any less then 200 characters long and no more then 500. The email has to make sense, so you can’t just type the word cunt 200 times. It has to be a structured letter. Put as many swear words in as you can while still making a point. Then send me a copy of the email along with the bounced back email like the one I have above so I can have proof of your score. I’ll post the top 3 email and their scores, and the winner gets a free DVD, Cripple xXx. I encourage all of you to enter. Good luck!
LB
