Jun 242008
 

Look I could be like the thousands of blogs and news sites out there and covering the death of George Carlin and talk about what a great loss he was to our comedy community. More then a loss he was a wonderful gift. The truth is though, we all know this. It isn’t news.

I will say he had a great way of showing us all the power of the words we use. So in tribute I will post a video I have found by pure fucking luck in tonight’s blog entry.

Say what you want but to me this is one of the funniest videos I have ever seen and shows us all the power of words and even in the darkest of humor, when done writ,e can always be funny.

Jun 212008
 

It’s been a few weeks since my last blog so I thought I would put down another one of my favorite entries from the old journal. This is is great because the truth is It is hard to believe you can find people like this in the world… The proof is in the pictures though.

Originally posted on December 7, 2002

A wish for youThanksgiving is my favorite holiday, with out a doubt, hands down, a great holiday! Believe it or not, I’m very close with my family and Thanksgiving is good time to sit around drinking, eating, talking about old times, watching football and sleeping. It’s where dysfunction can come together for one day without any pressure. Though what I’m finding out is that not everyone around me has those same feelings about this holiday. In fact I’ll go as far as saying that it could be one of those days where it just dredges up old memories of how life used to be and I’m pretty sure that anything you need to dredge up can never be good.

I first must give you some history before I just drop you into what you are about to read down below. I have a close friend, which I will leave nameless out of respect. He grew up in one of those families that played off like they were as normal as normal can be. The people around them probably thought so too because this was one of those families that had parents that were great at hiding their dirty little secrets. I’m talking about a regular Mr. and Mrs. Houdini. Maybe the people around them did know, and whispered to each other how horrible it was and said things like, “Those poor kids.” The problem is if they did do that, those whispers were never loud enough to make changes. And this all took place in a small town where whispers are shared faster then spit on the passing of a crack pipe. It’s too bad that no body had the nuts to call them on it. Some dirty secrets need to be exposed for the sake of well being.

“Nameless” had a step mother who he affectionately called his step monster. This woman was insane and gave him his fair share of mental and physical abuse. Amazingly, he grew up well adjusted. As soon as he was able, my friend moved on, never to speak with his dirty little secret again. As far as I am concerned she was let off easy. This woman is so fucked in the head that whatever is haunting her inside her soul is probably fulfilling her sentence out just fine. A lifetime of unpractical thought is justice in my book. Unfortunately, anyone who has the luck of coming across her has to take on the burden of her sentence too. I’m thinking it’s worth the sacrifice. After you read the card below, you’ll feel the same way as I do.

Up until just recently she had no idea where “Nameless” lived, but as luck would have it, she found him and felt it necessary to send him a Thanksgiving card. Wow, maybe her heart is in the right place after all. We shall see. Read for yourself.
The letter First, let’s just start with the obvious. When you send a thanksgiving card to someone, you don’t start telling them what THEY should be thankful for. That’s not how it works you dumb fucking waste of meat. And in his case, I’m pretty sure he knows what he’s thankful for and sending this card just solidifies how thankful he really is. And from what I gather by her tone here, she doesn’t sound as if she was thankful at all for the children in her life. It sounds like to me if she had the chance she would have performed the abortion herself.

I have to tell you though; it’s been a long time since I’ve read anything so whacked out. I like how she uses the word “allowed”. He and his children should be grateful they’ve been allowed to live. As if to say, every woman tosses the thought of abortion around with a flip of the coin. “Tails, you loose. Now I’ve got to suck your new born’s head off with a vacuum twenty-seven times stronger then the Oreck. It’s a good thing too for the Supreme Court ruling or I’d have to step into a back-ally and jam this hanger into your kids soft spot in the same way I poked my fork into my over medium egg… watching the golden yoke seep out slowly like the sweet prize it is.” (I hear if you mix fetus juice with hash browns it’ taste really good.)

back of card The U.S. Supreme Court legalized abortion in 1973 and we all should be thankful for them doing so. Now mothers who have a crooked thought don’t have to pretend to fall down the stairs anymore when they realize bringing up a child takes a soul… Then we don’t have to read about them later placing their children’s face on a stove burner all because they were caught singing Puff the magic dragon too loudly. I bet my friend would have given anything to be Little Jackie paper in a land called Honalee. Be very thankful… applaud such a movement on the Supreme Court to foresee it being a viable option to killing. Yes, abortion isn’t pretty, but it beats robbing those children of their life years later when mothers are surprised in realizing they lack the skills to being a parent, “selflessness” It spares us of having to read headlines like, “Texas Mother drowns her five children.”

It doesn’t shock me at all that this nut-fuck of a lady would rather read about Andrea Pia Yates who drowned her two oldest children, Noah, 7, and John, 5, Mary, of 6 months and Paul, 3, and Luke, 2. (All biblical names I thought to note. And Yates performed such a holy act too… Weird) Yes, I can see where people would think this was a more humane way to go. I think being just old enough to understand mommy is doing something very naughty is a much sweeter way out then the unknowing fetus being ripped apart before it has time to develop limbs to fight back. At least with the abortion we don’t have to hear the screams for mercy from five innocent children who can’t figure out what they did wrong to be punished like that.

I’ll tell you what I’m unthankful for. I’m unthankful that the Supreme Court didn’t act on this before 1973. If they had then maybe the mother of this mouth-whore who sent this card would have had another option besides spiting out thisl ady out… this… “God’s dirty little secret.” It’s never too late to bring justice to this matter though. All this black eye would have to do is find the courage to take herself to a back-ally and continually jab her skull with a wire hanger until death. Then we all can send Thanksgiving cards to her funeral.

Truthfully, I will not be really thankful until the Supreme Court passes a law forcing women like this into having abortions so we don’t end up with trailers full of unwanted and traumatized children. Those children can just wait for a mother to come along who knows how to love. I know they’re out there. I’ve met them.

Sincerely,
Someone
and mostly everyone.

LB

Comments are encouraged!!!

Jun 032008
 

This simply was one of my favorite. And even though the rant was done in 2002, do the class project at the bottom anyway and the winner gets a free DVD.

Originally posted June 20th, 2003

Presbyterian Healthcare Services
05/31/2003, 04:17:04 PM PHS Messaging System
Your message sent to <lmanzana@phs.org> with the subject of The return to Salem, OR!!! & new site updates was declined for delivery due to Profanity and the use of the word(s)
List:Profanity
Found the expression “cunt” 2 times, at 12 points each, for an expression score of 24 points.
=============================================================
Total Message Score: 24 points..
If you feel this message was incorrectly declined please contact the Presbyterian Healthcare Services postmaster.

Now this is truly the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, this is a work of art. This was sent to me in response to a newsletter I recently sent out to my emailing list and apparently some email agent I sent it to did not appreciate the colorful language I chose to use. Well aint that a kick in the old baby-shoot. Maybe if I would have chosen that phrase instead, those people would have gotten my newsletter. Shame on me.

My question is, who in the f#ck is stupid enough to see my act and then think it would be a good idea to give me an email address from the Presbyterian Healthcare Services? Isn’t there a software agent I could get a hold of that would block that jag-nut from interacting with me in any way? I talk about “f#cking retards and throwing rocks at Mongoloids, you’d think their Presbyterian God might have given them a sign of some sort telling them, “No, don’t hand over your work email, you idiot.” Did these people really think after sharing the fact I jacked off in Wyoming until I shot all over myself that I’d run home and write a child’s book for my newsletter? Yes, I want all of you on my newsletter so I can swap recipes and night time prayers. Hell, what were they even doing at my show? Any company that’s going to have that kind of software on their system probably would have them fired for even stepping into the club, not to mention the eternal fiery depths of hell they’ll suffer in for opening their minds to my kind of thinking. You free thinking heathens.

See people, this is how we get material because wonderful gems get dropped into our laps like this. It’s like the time I went to a nudie bar and the hag working behind the bar said she’d be right with me but because none of the dancers showed up to work that meant she had to go up and fill in. I Sh$t you not! This kind of stuff just can’t go ignored.

Okay back to the issue. I tried but I just can’t do it anymore, I tried to kep this rant clean for the sake of my argument but FUCK this is so stupid. No one can ever tell me that God isn’t cruel when he gives people like this an opportunity to breath.

The entire thought process behind this software is ignorant and here’s why: The software is telling you it will bounce your email out of its servers until you rewrite a “morally correct” email; and then and only then will life be peachy keen. I’ve got news for you, this isn’t going to work. Look I have nothing against a company wanting a clean email, but an email is not considered clean by words alone. You have to take into account the writer’s intentions. The bottom line is the word “c#nt” doesn’t get caught up in the filtering system, and are they telling me that just a fucking pound sign changes the intent of the word. Is the Presbyterian God the God of syntax? “The word cunt shall be banished from your village, and we will replace it with C#nt! Your God has spoken, now go and kill me a thirteen year old virgin.

It even gets worse. This thing gave me an expression score!!! What the fuck, really? You mean to tell me the word cunt is worth only 12 points? Where do they come up with that score? I had no idea that the Presbyterians were into Numerology. The word cunt has 4 letters which is added to the amount of letters of the word that it refers to, “females”. That comes to 11, then add 1 because that is the number of how many times I’ve come into contact with one just this week alone.; which totals to “12”. Now I’m not sure how numerology really works but that’s how my religion works.

All joking aside, I did a bit of research and believe it or not numerology does use the same meaning, “expression score” It seems to me that it would be a lot easier to just use a scale of 1 to 10. You’d think the word cunt would be right at the top end but the “expression scale” doesn’t work like that. What is the score for mother fucker? What kind of score do you get for molesting a child, or stealing all the retirement money of an eighty year old lady? I know, I know, you get a high five and get to be the minister of the church. I want to know what beats out the word cunt anyway? It even counted the number of times I said the word, too. What really gets me is the fact the program used the word when it sends it back to me. What kind of double standard bullshit is this? Maybe I don’t want an email to come in using that kind of language, I could have a Pilipino child checking my email while he makes me a pair of shoes for all this company knows. I’d complain but we all know it will never get there. And one more thing, if I was scored twice for 12 points adding up to a whapping total of 24 points (which in my book just means I’m slipping) and they said it once, shouldn’t that at least offset 12 of my points? Under those rules, I’ve only scored 12 and I feel that anything under 20 should get the email through, cunt or no cunt. (I know it’s a lot of math to handle all at once.)

Well I hope we all have learned something from this entire ordeal. The first being that you should NEVER give me an email address that’s from your church. The second is it looks like I’m going to have to write C#nt instead of Cunt, because I wouldn’t want to discriminate against any Presbyterians. They need to receive my newsletter too. Once in awhile they’ll need to hear the truth, wouldn’t that be refreshing. Or do they filter that out too? I hope not, because then I know I’ll be fucked; the truth is all I got.

(Even though the word cunt was used a lot, no cunts were harmed in the making of this rant.)

This post received an expression score of: “216 points”

LB
————————————————————————————————-

Class project:

So here’s what I want to do. I have a class project. It’s going to be a contest. Let’s see who can get the highest expression score, and the winner gets one of my DVDs for free.

Here are the rules:

Send an email to the Presbyterian Health care center.< info@phs.org> It can’t be any less then 200 characters long and no more then 500. The email has to make sense, so you can’t just type the word cunt 200 times. It has to be a structured letter. Put as many swear words in as you can while still making a point. Then send me a copy of the email along with the bounced back email like the one I have above so I can have proof of your score. I’ll post the top 3 email and their scores, and the winner gets a free DVD, Cripple xXx. I encourage all of you to enter. Good luck!

LB