Special update Note:
This was the very first rant I ever wrote when I had my website put up in 2002. So this one has a lot of sentimental value. Here’s the thing though when I wrote this rant it was back when she was very much alive, very much all over the Television and very much a stain to society. It was a time when we all hated her. It’s funny that you look on community forums and see the change of heart we all had. She somehow went from a fat, stupid, drug addicted whore to a sad loss in American history. It is amazing how a death can be the ultimate make-over in the minds and hearts of Americans. From icky to Icon in one quick swoop.
Originally August 12, 2002
Let’s start my first rant off with a bang, shall we? We will do it by banging that fat swollen cunt, Anna Nicole Smith off of my television screen and into the coffin with her dead 142 year old husband that made her famous in the first place. We should make her fuck him now that he’s dead; now that his body has had time to decompose. Yes, that sounds good to me. Make her suck on his rotting apple of love. That to me is reality T.V.
The reality is that she is slowly losing all of her respect, and she wants us to turn to her new show and watch her do it. How can we put this shit on television for people to eat up? They do it, too, and almost as fast as she eats the leftovers at the Country Buffet. Yet a comedian like myself has to have a disclaimer for all of my shows that says, “Be prepared, this is an X rated show. If you are easily offended then please do no not attend!” This is what really pisses me off about America; the double standards that occur on a daily basis. They should have a disclaimer for her show that reads, “If easily offended by the ignorance of a fat, untalented, bleeding gash then please refrain from viewing this program.”
“The Osbournes are ruining our minds.” says Bill Cosby. However, Anna the Barbarian goes on national television unscathed by any substantial ridicule. At least The Osbournes have a British accent. British accents make us all laugh. Please, spare me the pain of the fucking ignorance that is being forced upon me. I don’t know what is worse, the show itself or the hypocrisy that I am seeing right before my eyes.
I have question. Those feminist whores that come out after a new doll is made. You know the ones, the ones that bellow out their holes with complaints that some fake plastic girl-toy with tits and no nipples is setting back the female movement. How come they’re not out marching to remove this rippling sweat hog off of my T.V. and back onto the corner sucking my cock for crack? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW? I can tell you. These women are probably in the front row of the Vagina Monologs with their life partner yelling out, “I was abused by my father when I was young.” While their lesbian counterpart shoves the leg of stadium chair into their screaming baby-chute!
I am sick of hearing about the so called, “corruption of America”. There is this common thought among the majority of our country that America has fallen to the hands of Satan. Well I have news for you all; we were never up high enough to fall far in the first place. It is our way of life, our culture. I have learned to accept that but most people in this country like to think we are leading the world to righteousness. Spare me; we breed evil for Christ’s sake. Don’t come preaching to me that I’m evil because I talk about the fact that we’re all fucked up as a society. I get flack from people telling me that I’m too dark and offensive. My material is not as dark as much as it is the truth. I don’t filter my thoughts, that’s all. I just tell you what most people are afraid to talk about. America has lost touch on what is good. America is being force-fed shit and told it is lobster. Maybe fucking retards isn’t funny to some people, but neither is a camera following some festering tumor with rolls of lard trapping sweat-stink. The smell inside one of those rolls is a sent you’ll never forget. I’m not just describing the kind of stink that comes out of a pulp mill either. No, and not the kind of stink that you get after puking into a paper sack and lighting it on fire. I’m talking the kind of stink that I get in my belly button after jacking off into it all day on a long sweltering mid-afternoon in August.
You can sit there in your false bubble of morals, pretending that life is good and America is the superhero of the planet earth out to save us all from evil doing and sin. You can point your fingers at people like me and say that I’m the reason life is corrupt. Go ahead and blame me and others like me. Sit on your ass with your spouse and your 2.5 perfect little children, Ashley and Justin, watching that fat cunt running around in what is supposedly wholesome and entertaining television. You don’t fool me. I know the truth. The truth is your life is as fucked up as mine.
Your wife has to drink herself to sleep because she can’t cope with the reality of the life you both chose for yourself. She’s thirty-six with two kids plus one on the way. You’re in debt beyond your means to lower it. Your daughter’s cheerleading outfit has been stained by the entire varsity basketball team and by a few of the girls on the cheerleading squad. Your son is being molested by the minister for the youth at your local church, which is all happening while you stay up late into the night looking at “barely 18” porn photos and jacking off, trying to forget the fact that you’re at an age now that you could never again obtain pussy like that. Then at last you sneak off to bed, turning and tossing for another hour because you can’t stop thinking about how your life in nothing more then a facade. I, on the other hand, sleep well at night because I don’t have any guilt festering inside of me. I know that I’m fucked up and I’m okay with it.
I just wonder when our culture will wake up and realize we can’t have the best of both worlds. You can’t ask for a politically correct lifestyle and then throw on a television show that is purely based on the day to day schedule of a hugely, overweight, no talented hutchie that we all know married an old fuck just to wait until he dies to steal his money away from the children. Are you to tell me she’s really setting a good example? You can’t tell me that Harry Potter is a movie encouraging the use of witchcraft and rotting the minds of young kids across America then sit in front of your T.V. with your children watching, “Elimidate” or the “Third Wheel”. That is pure bullshit! What’s next, the new game show, “Date Rape”? A show where a roofie is secretly dropped into a woman’s drink and then she tries to fight off fifteen men as they wait in line to gang bang her as she falls into unconsciousness. The winner is the first man who can loose his load inside a dry hole. Afterwards both the winner and the freshly used woman will be whisked away to a beautiful downtown street in Tijuana where he can sell her on the Black Market. Meanwhile, I’m being banned from a club somewhere in North Dakota for saying the word cunt on stage.
I wish I could say that I have a point, but truthfully I don’t. I just want people to know that as long as the machine keeps producing shit for television you can bet I’ll still be somewhere in America talking about how fucked up a society we have become. And Anna, as much as you disgust me, you have a niche in our culture. You prove to my audience that I am correct in what I say. My advice is to turn off your television and take your family into the office, turn on the computer and let your kids look at internet porn too; at least they’ll learn something by looking at pictures of a dirty Sanchez.
LB
