May 302008

Keeping in theme with retard rants I thought I’d post this little rant about a chair and a flea market that has standards.

Originally posted October 27, 2002

Every so often I have a caring moment. I’ll admit it’s rare, but they do come. We have had this recliner for years and I decided that it was time to get ride of it. Rather then just giving it away to one of my poorer friends. You know these people that aren’t really looking to have matching furniture. All they really care about is having something they can sit in. You have one of these friends if you walk into their house and they have a red bean bag instead of a lazy boy. If you step into their living room and the focal point is a bong, you know the people I speak of. Anyway, I decided that this buddy didn’t need the recliner. He has a bean bag for Christ sake. That just screams out comfort. There are people who need it more. So Goodwill was my destination. Okay, I’m just yanking on your chain. I wanted to get rid of this ugly piece of crap of a chair and none of my so called friends would take it, so I had no choice but to hall it off to Goodwill. I’d like to take this moment to speak to all of my buddies that refused my gift. (I hope you all shit out a tumor the size of plum.

I pull up to the backend of Goodwill where the furniture drop off is, and this guy comes out to review my chair to see if it fits their standards. Now I’m thinking if Goodwill uses the same standards to choose furniture as they did to hire this guy, my chair is as good as gone. This guy looked as if he had been trapped in a coalmine for the last twelve years and had just escaped.

He inspects this chair for like a good couple of minutes, walking around it and getting in close, shaking his head and scratching his snowball-stacked, dandruff head. And the whole time I’m thinking, it’s a fucking recliner and you work for Goodwill. Know your place in society, I mean this numb-fuck is acting like he’s an auto claims adjuster going over a totaled car.

Finally after standing outside of Goodwill for what I felt was longer then anyone with a real life should, he looked at me and says, “I’m sorry, but there is a little wearing on your chair, so we can’t accept it.”

Okay, here is the deal. The chair was good enough for me, why in the fuck isn’t good enough for them? I mean isn’t that a flat out attack on my character. I’ve been inside their store before. They sell shit. They sell used underwear, now maybe I’m insane, but that’s foul. Any store that has the policy of selling grandpa’s used old man underwear should have no problem with a chair with a little wear and tear. I mean come on, that’s complete bullshit! I could just see it, “I’m sorry we can’t take your recliner, but would you like this lovely pair of underwear. A sweet old man brought them in and donated them to us just before he dropped dead in the isle from colon cancer.”

And when did Goodwill start getting picky anyway? It’s not like I’m trying to sell it to them. It’s a donation for their fucking cause! They have employees with Down syndrome, which to me is a little misleading. Are you picky or not, just make up your minds! I have nothing against a person with Down syndrome but these are the people that need the furniture the most. They’re forty-five and living alone for the first time. I am Sam doesn’t need a chair that’s in perfect condition, you know what he needs? He needs a pair of eyes that don’t sink back into his skull that’s what he needs. He needs a head that doesn’t look like it was shoved inside a nest of bees. Give him a God who doesn’t punish him because his mommy and daddy had premarital sex and he’s a happy I am Sam.The bottom line here is they don’t ask for much. So just take my fucking recliner!

Look, you don’t bite the hand that feeds you. If someone offers you a gift for the good will of man, you say, “Thank you, that was very kind of you.” So I say, “Fuck Goodwill.” I wouldn’t donate a turd rapped in a box with a bow on top. You know what I ended up doing with that chair. I know this friend; he knows how to make things disappear. Truly though that’s the saddest part of this story, they could have had a recliner in decent condition but instead they’d rather see it dumped off on the side of the road somewhere. The ironic part of the story is that someone was probably on there way to the Goodwill and drove by my recliner, saw it off to the side, and thought “Hey, look at that, someone just dumped a perfectly good recliner. That’ll match the bean bag and bong ensemble that I have in my living room and I don’t even have to drive all the way down to Goodwill to buy one there.”


May 292008

This next entry from the site vault was again a rant on the fascination we have with television. I figured why not keep up with the theme. Keep in mind this was written when NBC’s Friends had come to an end.

Originally Posted May 7, 2004

Thank God for good television and better friends:

Is it me or is the Friends phenomenon proving not that we as a society can fall in love and relate with six fictitious characters after a decade of watching them grow but proving that we as a society can’t commit to our own reality. We have so much time on are hands, and we are so lonely that rather then relate with and fall in love with six REAL people it’s easier to sit at home, grow fat and pretend that these NBC friends are our true buddies. This revelation doesn’t surprise me; we are so fucking gullible our heart gets snagged on the tard on the Goodwill commercial who gets to go on a trip to Hawaii. And when did tards get passes to fly anyway? Doesn’t that affect their eyes or something?

The show to watch last night was ER. On that episode, one of the main characters had a miscarriage because her baby’s umbilical cord was tied in a not. Then she had to go through twenty-four hours of labor just to deliver a dead baby… Now that’s quality entertainment from the peacock right there. If I had $2 million dollars to spend on advertisement I would have spent it on a commercial during that show. In fact I might have spent it on the Goodwill commercial just to show what happens when you live through an experience of getting you umbilical cord tied in a not. You end up retarded and working for a really nice flea so you can save up your minimum wage paycheck and after ten years can fly off to Hawaii. (That is if it’s permitted.)

Well I’m sorry if I am going to offend anyone who is apart of the Friends fan club. You’ll just have to wait in line behind March of Dimes. How dare I talk bad about the show to those who lived the last ten years inside watching the series while shoving anxiety medication down their throat because the thought of holding a real relationship with anyone but Chandler Bing throws them into a head spin. The thought of having a honest connection with another person is just something they can’t wrap their minds around. Well that’s like sneaking into a house of someone who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder, blind folding them and tying them up, abducting them and driving them to Disneyland. What’s ironic is even the Corky from Goodwill gets out and travels once in awhile.

How these six people related with anyone anyway is beyond me, they always got along for the most part. They didn’t even fuck each other over like real friends do. You can’t tell me that Joey wouldn’t have banged Rachel in the shitter hole as soon as he found out that emotionally fagged up Ross loved her. COME ON, that’s how real buddies show their trust for each other. It’s like marking your territory.

“Oh, you love Rachel, I guess now is the time for me to show all of our friends who really is the alpha male. Hey Rachel… How YOU doing?”

I sat and watched the last episode and I don’t understand why everyone was so sad. Chandler and Monica were only moving to a house for fuck me sake. They probably were moving just outside of New York City, get a hold of yourselves. It’s not like in your pretend world you wouldn’t see each other again. Hey that’s what phones and cars are for. The only one moving out of state was Joey and it’s for his movie career. He’ll either be back in a year because he’s too fucking stupid to get a job as a waiter or he’ll learn how to suck cock like any good actor does to get decent steady work.

Ten years from now, we’ll probably watch an old episode and we will feel just like we did after the first time we saw a rerun of Threes Company…sadly embarrassed and robed because we wasted a decade of our time and $2 million dollars for a thirty second ad during their final episode.

But who are we to judge, we just wasted our time on 767 words and 12 paragraphs on a rant about Friends.


May 272008

Special update  Note:

This was the very first rant I ever wrote when I had my website put up in 2002. So this one has a lot of sentimental value. Here’s the thing though when I wrote this rant it was back when she was very much alive, very much all over the Television and very much a stain to society. It was a time when we all hated her. It’s funny that you look on community forums and see the change of heart we all had. She somehow went from a fat, stupid, drug addicted whore to a sad loss in American history. It is amazing how a death can be the ultimate make-over in the minds and hearts of Americans. From icky to Icon in one quick swoop.

Originally August 12, 2002

Let’s start my first rant off with a bang, shall we? We will do it by banging that fat swollen cunt, Anna Nicole Smith off of my television screen and into the coffin with her dead 142 year old husband that made her famous in the first place. We should make her fuck him now that he’s dead; now that his body has had time to decompose. Yes, that sounds good to me. Make her suck on his rotting apple of love. That to me is reality T.V.

The reality is that she is slowly losing all of her respect, and she wants us to turn to her new show and watch her do it. How can we put this shit on television for people to eat up? They do it, too, and almost as fast as she eats the leftovers at the Country Buffet. Yet a comedian like myself has to have a disclaimer for all of my shows that says, “Be prepared, this is an X rated show. If you are easily offended then please do no not attend!” This is what really pisses me off about America; the double standards that occur on a daily basis. They should have a disclaimer for her show that reads, “If easily offended by the ignorance of a fat, untalented, bleeding gash then please refrain from viewing this program.”

“The Osbournes are ruining our minds.” says Bill Cosby. However, Anna the Barbarian goes on national television unscathed by any substantial ridicule. At least The Osbournes have a British accent. British accents make us all laugh. Please, spare me the pain of the fucking ignorance that is being forced upon me. I don’t know what is worse, the show itself or the hypocrisy that I am seeing right before my eyes.

I have question. Those feminist whores that come out after a new doll is made. You know the ones, the ones that bellow out their holes with complaints that some fake plastic girl-toy with tits and no nipples is setting back the female movement. How come they’re not out marching to remove this rippling sweat hog off of my T.V. and back onto the corner sucking my cock for crack? WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU NOW? I can tell you. These women are probably in the front row of the Vagina Monologs with their life partner yelling out, “I was abused by my father when I was young.” While their lesbian counterpart shoves the leg of stadium chair into their screaming baby-chute!

I am sick of hearing about the so called, “corruption of America”. There is this common thought among the majority of our country that America has fallen to the hands of Satan. Well I have news for you all; we were never up high enough to fall far in the first place. It is our way of life, our culture. I have learned to accept that but most people in this country like to think we are leading the world to righteousness. Spare me; we breed evil for Christ’s sake. Don’t come preaching to me that I’m evil because I talk about the fact that we’re all fucked up as a society. I get flack from people telling me that I’m too dark and offensive. My material is not as dark as much as it is the truth. I don’t filter my thoughts, that’s all. I just tell you what most people are afraid to talk about. America has lost touch on what is good. America is being force-fed shit and told it is lobster. Maybe fucking retards isn’t funny to some people, but neither is a camera following some festering tumor with rolls of lard trapping sweat-stink. The smell inside one of those rolls is a sent you’ll never forget. I’m not just describing the kind of stink that comes out of a pulp mill either. No, and not the kind of stink that you get after puking into a paper sack and lighting it on fire. I’m talking the kind of stink that I get in my belly button after jacking off into it all day on a long sweltering mid-afternoon in August.

You can sit there in your false bubble of morals, pretending that life is good and America is the superhero of the planet earth out to save us all from evil doing and sin. You can point your fingers at people like me and say that I’m the reason life is corrupt. Go ahead and blame me and others like me. Sit on your ass with your spouse and your 2.5 perfect little children, Ashley and Justin, watching that fat cunt running around in what is supposedly wholesome and entertaining television. You don’t fool me. I know the truth. The truth is your life is as fucked up as mine.

Your wife has to drink herself to sleep because she can’t cope with the reality of the life you both chose for yourself. She’s thirty-six with two kids plus one on the way. You’re in debt beyond your means to lower it. Your daughter’s cheerleading outfit has been stained by the entire varsity basketball team and by a few of the girls on the cheerleading squad. Your son is being molested by the minister for the youth at your local church, which is all happening while you stay up late into the night looking at “barely 18” porn photos and jacking off, trying to forget the fact that you’re at an age now that you could never again obtain pussy like that. Then at last you sneak off to bed, turning and tossing for another hour because you can’t stop thinking about how your life in nothing more then a facade. I, on the other hand, sleep well at night because I don’t have any guilt festering inside of me. I know that I’m fucked up and I’m okay with it.

I just wonder when our culture will wake up and realize we can’t have the best of both worlds. You can’t ask for a politically correct lifestyle and then throw on a television show that is purely based on the day to day schedule of a hugely, overweight, no talented hutchie that we all know married an old fuck just to wait until he dies to steal his money away from the children. Are you to tell me she’s really setting a good example? You can’t tell me that Harry Potter is a movie encouraging the use of witchcraft and rotting the minds of young kids across America then sit in front of your T.V. with your children watching, “Elimidate” or the “Third Wheel”. That is pure bullshit! What’s next, the new game show, “Date Rape”? A show where a roofie is secretly dropped into a woman’s drink and then she tries to fight off fifteen men as they wait in line to gang bang her as she falls into unconsciousness. The winner is the first man who can loose his load inside a dry hole. Afterwards both the winner and the freshly used woman will be whisked away to a beautiful downtown street in Tijuana where he can sell her on the Black Market. Meanwhile, I’m being banned from a club somewhere in North Dakota for saying the word cunt on stage.

I wish I could say that I have a point, but truthfully I don’t. I just want people to know that as long as the machine keeps producing shit for television you can bet I’ll still be somewhere in America talking about how fucked up a society we have become. And Anna, as much as you disgust me, you have a niche in our culture. You prove to my audience that I am correct in what I say. My advice is to turn off your television and take your family into the office, turn on the computer and let your kids look at internet porn too; at least they’ll learn something by looking at pictures of a dirty Sanchez.

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May 252008

I would love to sit here and write a great and outstanding post to my first blog entry. However, I’ve still got a lot of work ahead of me before I can settle into this new toy. I will soon, if not by the end of the night have several of my old entries from back in 2002 through 2005 from my old site moved over and archived. So while the below blog entries make it look like I haven’t written a lot since then, I have, but this is the only way to get it moved over. That is the bad news.

The good news is I have a lot of old material worth reading. It is so good in fact that instead of dropping the material in all at once, like I have been doing, I will be posting some of my old and best rants every day until everything is up in the new blog.  I’m doing this because there is a lot of stuff I’ve written that many of the new fans have never read, and those who have read it, it is still worth reading. It will also help promote the new site and blog. So come back everyday because I promise it will be worth it. I hope the site and the blog will be something we can enjoy because it has been a shit load of work and it was all to get my site interactive again. On-the-other-hand, if you hate it, well then you can just BLOG OFF!