Originally Posted May 7tth

It’s nice to know that after spending the day in studio with the #1 afternoon radio show in Portland that two nights later I can do a guest spot in another bar uptown and come crashing back to reality. “Oh yeah, I get it now, I’m not yet at the top of my game.”

Here’s how it worked. Last night I went and did a favor for a friend by doing a guest set for his game show. What a fucking train wreck it was. Musty is a good friend who runs a regular open mic. He has a new game show that he is promoting, entitled ” You’re not so stupid!” Which they chanted every five minutes to remind me how stupid I was. It was freaky too like a cult! I’ll give him this, it was his first trial show so I understand that he’ll be fixing up the problems that occurred during the show but for fuck sake, I’ll be damned if I don’t talk about it. I had to sit through this knuckle dick show.

Musty read questions from a book. A lady named “Cherry” or as I would like to prefer to her as a dump truck with legs and with not just a chip on her shoulder but carrying a load of them gave the contestants toys that were purchased at the Goodwill outlet store as proof of points. (Yes, you did hear me correctly, I said outlet store.) Now if you get a question wrong, you get your toy taken away, as if your pride wasn’t enough? The idea is to get five chiclet toys to move on to the next round which makes taking them away so painful because these people were drunk and not too bright. Cut to an hour and half later, the first round was finished. At this point I was so fucking angry with God for keeping me alive, and I’ve been through a lot in my life mind you; after all, I’m crippled. It was so bad that the public access guy, who was filming, shut off his camera and left. Sure, his excuse was the lighting was all wrong but come on, we know this means I’d rather be filming a sermon from a cross dressing nun.

Then it’s time for comedy…. Yeah!

The fist comedian goes up and attempts to entertain the room. He did alright considering what he was working with but I’m sure that even a comedian performing at a funeral will get at least one chuckle. He made them laugh. Hell, Josh made me laugh, and fuck knows I needed it!

The second round I will not even attempt to describe because I know that you have better things to do and I wasn’t really in the room at that time. I was in my happy place inside my head. Then after the second round and pissed off like a cranker coming down off their high and no line left to speak of, I’m now supposed to make them laugh again. Oddly enough I didn’t do so well in conquering my mission, I don’t why that is.

I’ll admit that everyone seemed to be having a good old drunken time which means I’m sure that he’ll be doing it again, and I wish him the best of luck. I also should say this is my jaded angle of what went on. I’m sure Musty in his foggy point of view would tell you different.

The other comic there to experience the moment with me, Josh Lay. He asked me if I really felt it was a train wreck, how many people were on the train and how many lived through the wreckage? I’ll give the answer to you as I gave it to him:

3,000 people were on the train, 2,098 died. The two left to survive were under the pile of 2,098 dead and slowly smothered to death. Those two were us. Josh had the great idea of trying to eat his way to the top. After eating his way through the third body, I could hear his distant voice scream out, “Lonnie, come on. I know you could do it, I believe in you.” Those were his last words. I think you choked on a rib, but I’m not sure. I, on the other hand, just cried myself to death.

I will not blame Musty for this; it was my entire fault, I think I must have smoked a crack rock or something. I only know that it isn’t my performance aspect that needs work so much as it is my choice of venues.

“Oh yeah, I get now, I’m not yet at the top of my game.”