The Old Journal Entries: #8- One of the first visits to the Marconi Show.

Originally Posted November 29, 2002

I think it’s time to talk about my time in the NRK Studio. In the beginning of the month I went to NRK to hang out in the studio for two days with Marconi and Tiny so I could advertise my upcoming show at Harvey’s. Then I went back at the end of the month with Doug Stanhope pumping his XXX show that I was doing again with him and Andy Andris. Both times were great times but damn the second time was so cool because it was Marconi’s birthday which was a day after mine and so we both got fucked up in studio. Although at one point he apparently decided that he was tired and went home leaving Doug, Tiny, and I to run the end of the show out all on our own. I enjoy drama especially when it plays out on air. However, what you are about to see are the pictures that I took the second day of my first visit at the beginning of the month. Tiny had to shave his head for a bet he lost to Marconi in football and I was there to catch it.

Here Tiny is getting his head shaved by his older brother. I don’t remember his brother’s name, but they look nothing alike. I have no idea what Tiny did in his last life but it had to have been very bad. And if his punishment in this lifetime was decided in some sort of court system of a higher consciousness then I only hope that he gets a better fucking lawyer next time.

I want you to know that I didn’t do any trick photography to get his head to look the way it does. Tiny’s head just looks like that. Truthfully, he’s a great guy though. He’s very nice. You know, the more I think about it, I can’t imagine he would get very far in life though if he was a dick on top of having a huge head. It seems like I have a lot of friends that have extra large heads.

Marconi and Tiny. Thanks guys for having me in your studio, I’ll never forget the adventure. I love what you’re doing for your show, keep doing what your ‘re doing.

This was during the last visit to NRK on Marconi’s bithday. These were apart of the Firehouse dancers down in Salem. They decided to give me a little treat for my birthday.
LB

The Old Journal Entries: #7-The road to nowhere

Posted November 19, 2002

Hey all, I’ve just finished my time in Clarkston and Walla Walla WA. And now it’s time to share with the rest of the class on how it went.

Clarkston:

Let me begin with Clarkston. This was my second time back in the town of Clarkston and although driving there is drive through hours of nothing but a turdside view, the people are good for the most part. Not all of them mind you because some of them have the ignorance of a rat’s wet whole. See some people in this town have never been outside of their home to go to any real show or performance because they have a very busy schedule of driving directly home after their clan meeting and taking the belt to their children’s face to force them to follow the same path when they grow older. These same people would never think of having an abortion to stop the madness either but rather kick the Mrs. in the gut because she didn’t go buy beer before leaving to the hospital to deliver their newest branch to a family tree that should have been in the path of a clear-cut. Even worse, some of them were the women who got kicked in the gut then stood up and apologized for falling down on her way out to drive herself to the delivery room.

Either way these people are fucking numb in the head. They’ve burnt more brain cells on one simple math problem then I have in a life time of seizures. They waltz into the club while a comedian is on stage and have to ask the bartender, “Oh, is this comedy night?” Which by the way isn’t the first comedy night ever. It’s been going on for at least a year. Pete Young, my feature act for the evening and one of the only features I like to request on a regular basis and one of the funniest new up and coming comedians in the northwest was the one who got beat down with their brainless slurs. All of a sudden it’s a tractor pull and not a comedy show. I wish I had a tractor. I would have tied it to their jaws and yanked them all out and dumped them off in the landfill slash mobile park where they reside. All I’m saying is if a show is in progress SHUT YOUR WHOLE! If you have to, lodge a beer bottle down you wind pipe, it’s what you’re all use to anyway.

Now don’t get me wrong not everyone was bad and not everyone in Clarcksson is like this, hell maybe I judge too harshly, it could have been just this family. When I got up on stage I fell, which was the first time ever in thirteen years of comedy. I think it stunned them all into a moment of silence because they all were quite during my show. But I had to pop out my knee to do it. Pete, you were let off easy.

Afterwards some of the people in the crowd invited us back to their home. We had a cool little after hour party. It was good times and I’m glad to have met you all. I loved the crowd the first time I played in Clarkston. I loved some of them the second time. The ones that were respectful of the show. I hope when I go back we don’t repeat the bad shit that went down. You’ll enjoy the show a lot more if you listen to the setup to the joke. I’ve never met anyone who went to see a movie, talked all the way through it and then yelled at the screen afterwards, “You’re movie sucked! It didn’t even make sense.” So don’t do it during comedy either.
Walla Walla

It’s probably been a year or so since I had been back to Wall Walla and people who are on my newsletter list showed up just to see my show. Thanks for coming. Only one guy in the front row was bent on not enjoying the show. He would not crack a smile if his life depended on it. I don’t know why these people want to live life like this but so be it. He’ll die young and I’ll crack a smile when he does. All went well and we partied afterwards. I can’t wait to do it again. Okay, I’m lying but still, it’s not so bad when I have to go and do it.
Sometimes small towns are great because the people are real and it’s hard working America at it’s finest. And everyone needs a laugh.

LB

The Old Journal Enteries: #6-From X to R:

Originally Posted November 12, 2002

From X to R:

You know, I have had a busy two weeks what with being up in Spokane to do my uncensored act and then back down to Harvey’s here in Portland and the two days of radio interviews, which was not even close to painful. Though the two weeks were so different from each other that the transition between good and evil I’ll admit was a little difficult. I loved every minute of my time in Spokane, and it was great to push out past the line for a change and not have any rules to speak of. Plus Spokane is one of my favorite cities to travel to. Then I came back to Harvey’s where I had to walk the line ever so gently.

I love doing the Portland comedy club. I love performing to 300 people and showing them what I’m made of, I love the staff and I really get along with the owner but let me tell you, It’s not really what I’m made of. Not even close. I have to cover myself in a disney suit and dance the jig that pays my bills. I fucking hate myself for every moment that I need to sell out in this business. Though that is just what this is… a business, and I can’t fault Harvey’s for calling the shots on how they want their performers to perform. I hate the fact that I need to do it though, and I know the crowd can see through me. They can tell that I’m lying to them. And it’s not the dark act that they disrespect, it’s the facade I blanket myself in like uncomfortable cloths that don’t fit worth a shit.

It’s like I’ve been caught stepping out of the scene of a crime. I have blood all over my hands and face, two dead girls lying naked in their own piss in motel room 34 I rented for a half hour and then I look at my witness in the face with a look of shame and guilt and say, ” God, who could do such a thing to these two innocent and sweet young women.”. Who am I fooling? We both know the shit I’m in and I’m so far deep in it I’m starting to choke. It’s like that… I feel dirty and guilty, and everyone can see it too.

It’s like I always say, in order to pull off dark & twisted you need to go full throttle and then even the people who hate what I have to say still respect the commitment that I have for the product that I’m selling. No one wants to fuck a whore who keeps talking about how ashamed she is for selling herself to feed her son Ramen noodles at night. Why is that, you may ask. It’s because as soon as you see that this whore is ashamed, then you know what you are doing is wrong. And people don’t want to look at their morals and question the cleanliness of their soul.

It’s the same thing in comedy. So long as the audience doesn’t have to question whether or not laughing at a retard joke is wrong, they’ll be fine at laughing at it. And you see that’s just it. I’m NOT ashamed of laughing at or joking about anything. I learned that at a very young age. Life is nothing but a collection of different types of pain all rapped up in what you think at first glance is a gift. Example: Guy buys a house for his wife and kids, they move in and are so happy because it’s their very first house. House burns down in the middle of the night killing everyone in the house but the man. He is burned beyond recognition and suffers both emotionally and physically. Very Sad story, but looking at the big picture, its a humorous and ironic. Now maybe you don’t think so, but I bet after hours an hours of crying for just one moment he stares at the ceiling and laughs, and as he laughs, he says, “Fuck, if I only didn’t buy that God Damn house! And what did we buy it for, we needed the security of our own home. ”

Well, I’m now staring at the ceiling and laughing, “Fuck! If I only hadn’t compromised my position by working a club that doesn’t let me do the act the I’m best at performing. But I needed the security of the money. I had no choice.”

Or did I?

Update: 2008

It was only a few years later, I believe it was around 2004, I had the same choice before me. I had finally made it to the headline postion and promised myself there would be no more compromising. Berry the owner told the staff to tell me I had to clean up my act or risk being fired before the end of the week. I told them I would not change my act, it is what I was hired for, they knew how dirty I was, and Berry would have to do what he had to do for his business. And as for me, I had a business too and I wasn’t going to change my act. I was fired Sunday morning of that week and haven’t been on the Harvey’s stage since and have done just fine in Portland without it. I still talk to Berry and have no problem with the decision he made. I sleep much better with the one I made.

LB

The Old Journal Entries: #5-Maybe you people are confused:

Originally Posted November 9th, 2002

You know I’m thinking people are not really grasping the idea that I have a dark show. I don’t know what they expect. When i announce to my audience, Do you want a dark show, that doesn’t mean I’m turning out the lights. I tell everyone, warn them as best I possibly can and yet people go through this thought process: “Well, it can’t be that bad.” Then they get pissed or upset when they see the show. Well fuck, it’s your own fault. Don’t come to my show then

This shit only happens with comedy too. When you go to the amusement park and hop on a ride that swings you around at sixty miles per hour and flips you up and down until you brain is mush, and you projectile vomit for the next twenty minutes. You blame yourself for getting on the ride. You understood what you were getting into. It’s the same GOD DANM THING! I happen to hate rides. So guess what? I never go on them and as a result, i never get sick, puke and shit my pants.

My mother-in-law, who I love, she has a pretty good sense of humor. She always comes to the show when I’m at Harvey ‘s and I always warn her, that my show is darker then the last time. And she always says, “It’s cool. I can’t wait to see the show.” This time she came and watched it and told my wife that she thought I was getting too dark. Well, I’m not changing my show because I have family there. This isn’t a request your favorite joke show. The crack head Carnie doesn’t make the ride mellow out because his grandmother wants to ride the Puke & Twirl.

Maybe you people are confused, I’m not changing my act!

I have a comedian friend who feels the need to tell me on an almost daily basis that I need to step back a little because I’m heading down the wrong path. He also says this dark show I do, is not professional and I will not be famous or make the money that most comedians make. This coming from a guy who is always canceling shows and not showing up for gig and making women lick his ass when they fuck him. Well Fuck him, I may be walking down the path less traveled but at least I’m professional. And I’m more successful with my career now then I ever was doing the cute fluffy shit that I once did. You just need to know how to market yourself. Don’t sell a can of beans if it’s really a can of corn. I hate that candy shit that all the comedians are putting out these day. Have a little life in your act for fuck sake. ” You know what bothers me?” ” Here’s something I noticed.” ” Don’t you just hate it when…” Yes! I hate it when you do that soulless fucking act.

Maybe you people are confused, I’m not changing my act!

The things I talk about on stage have very little to do with the audience. Meaning the material I choose, not the other way around. I’m not on stage to tell you what I think you want to hear either. I’m on stage to tell you what I want to say. I’m sharing my life with you, and if you have had similar things happen great, if you bond with what I’m saying, even better… but it isn’t about you when it comes to the material, and it will never be. If you want it to be about you. Spend the next thirteen years developing a show that revolves around you. But until then, get out of my ass!

A lady last night at the show came up to me and said she booed me when I said the word cunt. I told her, I never said the word cunt. Then she said, “Well, you said the word clit.”
Now, that’s not the word cunt, now is it, you dumb fucking cunt. And this cunt can’t even stand she’s so drunk. I’m surprised she even remembered that joke. But here’s my beef. The word clit, is a body part. Just because this chick has issues with that body part isn’t my problem. Just because her father burned her clit off with a rusty curling iron, has very little to do with me or the joke that I tell. But what does that dumb cunt know anyway, right?

I’m never going back to the old act I once had, it had no life! Never! I hated every ounce of myself for ever doing it, and it’s my life, my show, so get over it. If someone can’t tell the difference between my act, and who I really am, then I’m not the one with identity problem. So just to make myself perfectly clear on this:

I’m not changing my act!

LB