The Old Journal Entries: #3-My mother-in-law was thinking of us

Originally posted August 23, 2002

Believe it or not, my wife and I received gifts for our anniversary and well we should have. We deserve something for lasting a year longer then anyone expected. I personally think we should have received the winnings in the betting pool from all the poor schmucks that bet on the odds. Hey, where is our fucking money?

I’m not one to ever complain about gifts though, and I certainly am not complaining about this gift. I actually loved it because my mother-in-law has a great sense of humor and it is not just one sided either. You know the type, those people that can’t take a joke as much they can give one. She knows how much my wife and I hate DR. Laura Schlessinger but she thought it would be funny to give us a book from good old DR. Laura and autographed mind you. “Ten stupid things couples do to mess up their relationship” It just goes to show you how much this whore knows about relationships because I think that we’ve broken all ten rules and we’re still together. Again I ask: where is our fucking money?

I really do hate this woman though. A really good gift would have been if my mother-in-law would have brought her children to my house so I could have poked their yoke with a hanger in a very (but never to late) abortion. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure it’ll be a good read. I love to read comedy. I want to see how thick she preaches her double standards. She should have an eleventh rule in her book: Don’t pose nude for the camera if you don’t want the pictures on the internet.

I think I’m going to write my own book about Dr. Laura, sign it and give it to my mother-in-law for Christmas. I’ll call it “Ten reasons why I would like to skull fuck Dr. Laura Schlessinger.”

Here are ten reasons why I think the title would be a success.

10: I’ve always wanted to skull fuck someone so why not start with Dr. Laura

9: It would make a great title for a book

8: It would also make a great cover for a book

7: I can think of plenty of women we’d have to wait in line to skull fuck, but she’s not one of them.

6: I know that it would be breaking the sixth rule in her book

5: It would make for a great reality T.V. Show

4: I’m pretty sure that I would receive a trophy or a metal.

3: It is the only viable spot to fuck her because she was born with a cock and huge nut sack

2: At least one of the holes in her skull will stop that fucking voice from spewing outward.

1: Because she is her kid’s mom

LB

The Old Journal Entries: #1-The 1st Year Anniversary

Originally posted August 14th 2002: Titled: Marriage, The 1st Year Anniversary.

Okay, I have served my first year in what I assume to be a life long sentence. At least that’s what the warden says. My wife and I had our first Anniversary on the 11th of August and it went down like a cheap Filipino whore, really good, but something you want to forget.

You know my wife is really into this shit, and I just don’t understand why women think this kind of event is worth celebrating. It’s like if someone punched me in the dick and then threw a party in memory of it. In retrospect, I sometimes wonder if that would have been a better choice of events. Let’s see, a punch in the dick or marriage… that’s a tough one.

I had a lot of people ask me if I did anything special for her, as if Mr. Lonnie Bruhn is that insensitive. What, do you all think that I have no soul? I gave her a pearl necklace, which I thought was rather nice of me. I will admit the price was a hell of bargain; just the death of a few million of my buddies. Can I hear a HELL YEAH!. What I can hear is all of you now bitching, “You are such an insensitive fuck!” Hey, I sacrificed a lot for her! When I was finished, I was thirsty—That my friends, is the true sanctity of love.

All in all, we had a good day, and being married is not that bad but I can’t just come out and say that because I’m not one to just talk about my feelings, especially on the subject of love. I think if love were a person, it would be a woman and she’d be a comedian. But to tell you the truth, the material would walk a lot of crowds.

Update:

We’re divorced now. I’m not sure if it would walk crowds or not, but I can be sure of one thing, it walked one audience member… and you should see the comment card.

LB