Apr 232014
 

NoRisk_poster_4_26This Sat is an important performance for me. Last summer I sat down in my back yard with my good friend and amazingly talented comedian Chris Smith and had a conversation about the industry. Through this conversation we developed a tour concept based purely on the idea comedy isn’t sold as an art form, comedians are products.

Unknown comedians like ourselves who aren’t household names never get to perform our full shows in the top comedy clubs in America or in big theaters because people buy tickets to see comedians they have heard of. They don’t want to pay for something that may or may not be funny.

There are lots of talented comedians and Chris and me are no different. For the first time we are launching a tour that is guaranteeing audiences will be entertained by this show or we will refund 100% of an audience member’s admission price. No strings attached.

It is for real, we are that confident .  We are also filming this first show to develop a commercial demo to use to get dates secured for the summer. I  need the support of my fans to make the journey up to Ridgefield, WA and be a part of something I know will finally get me the recognition so many have said I deserve. Welcome to the NO RISK COMEDY TOUR debut performance.

SAT APRIL 26th
$15 adv. $20 day of show
Tickets by phone at 360 887-7260
Doors open at 6:15 PM Showtime 7:00 PM showtime.

Old Liberty Theater: 115 N Main Ridgefield, WA

 

Apr 092014
 

Please watch this. It’s only 4 min of your life but what has been a life long journey for me. Then share this with everyone you know that spent their life chasing something because they loved it.

Follow us at: https://www.facebook.com/NoRiskComedy and @NoRiskComedy

The Debute first show:
Sat April 26th at The Old Liberty Theater in Ridgefield, WA.
Doors open at 6:15 PM Show starts at 7:00 PM
$15 advance and $20 at the door
PURCHASE ADVANCE TICKETS AT 360-887-7260
115 N. MAIN • RIDGEFIELD, WA

Nov 202013
 

After an amazing preliminary week two (where I took top spot for the week) in the Seattle International Comedy Contest. I’ve returned to Seattle, WA to compete with the top 10 from both weeks and again I’m off to a slow start. I took 7th (third from last) in the first performance at the famous Seattle Comedy Underground.

Here is the interesting part.  I drew the basic same position in the lineup as I did last week. In the first round and on the first night, I went up 9th. This was right after the secret piss break intermission for the judges. In last night’s show I drew 6th but we only have ten comedians now. I was again going up right after the piss break for the judges. Not that it matters and I don’t feel it was why I placed in the position where I did.  I don’t think it had anything to do with in fact. Coincidentally, I also placed in the same spot as last week’s first show. In my first round, I took 13th, three from the last spot. As long as I have time to break down the coincidences; I tripped going up on stage last week which became a bit of a scene. I safely made it to the stage last night but after my show I had an incident with a woman who followed me back to our private green room, and it is this particular incident I wish to discuss in today’s post.

The woman who followed me back, she tried to find the right words and with watery eyes. Now I’m thinking maybe she was about to tell me I was an inspiration. This was not the case. She explained she works with children who have special needs—ah fuck! Here we go. I was informed that because she works with special needs children, she felt passionate about advocating for them.  To make it easier on me, for the rest of this blog entry, I’ll refer to this woman as, “God’s special helper.” Anyway, G.S.H tells me she enjoyed the bulk of my material but she felt obligated to let me know we don’t use the word retard any longer and I should remove it from act forever. Mind you, this was in the green room with four other comedians sitting in the back with me and watching this slow moving train wreck heading right towards me.

You may be asking yourselves right now, how I would react to such an awkward confrontation? Well I calmly let her speak. I did not interrupt, and in fact as she complained to me about how this is a word which has been abolished from the English language, I took a sip of my beer.

After what seemed like five long and painful minutes. After paying her respect by listening to her struggle for the right words just to explain her position and her disdain for the word used in my act, it was my time to speak.

Calmly I explained, I understood why she might be offended and I respected her for making such a difficult career choice but that I have a right to dictate how I tell my story because I am disabled and I am the one who lives with my challenges. I continued to argue my position.  “While you may be upset, you also do not have a right to speak on any of your client’s behalf  because you are not disabled.” I told her, she simply couldn’t tell me what offended them and only they had the right to speak with me about it. “You have the right to be offended but NOT offended for them.”

GSH then got more worked up. “I have been working as a care taker for 40 years and I do have a right to be upset for them.”

My rebuttal, “I am actually disabled and have been for 42 years of my life. I do not get paid for my struggles in life and neither do any of your patients. They live it, I live it. It is offensive to me you would speak on their behalf and then try to tell me what I should and shouldn’t say and we are obviously not going to agree on this issue. So if you feel this passionate, you could complain to management.”

The moment ended with agreeing with this option and then she left.  The comedians seemed stunned and I just kept thinking, I hope she isn’t a judge.

Here what bothers me: It is inevitability ALWAYS someone who works with the disabled or a family member of the disabled that get offended. It is ALWAYS something they must declare too. It isn’t the work of the lord if you have to tell us what you do. Sacrificing comes without bragging rights.   So you clean their asses,  and feed them. Now all of a sudden you think you should speak for them and think for them. THEY’RE NOT FUCKING RETARDS! Isn’t this your argument?

These labels are NOT abolished from our language. Neither is nigger or fagot. So as long as I am alive and have an opportunity to tell my side of the story, I’ll remind you all that you were the ones that first came up with these words. In fact, it was the medical industry who started using this offensive term. I didn’t come up with the word retard, I didn’t come up with the word crippled but I sure in the fuck have a right to use them to make my point. Did you know lady, when I was a child and being helped by one of your colleague GSH’s, it was at a hospital called, “Crippled Children’s Hospital”? Yes. It was on the top of the fucking building in big brass lettering.

People just can’t wrap their mind around the fact that just 33 years ago, the medical community was extremely misinformed about the disabled. They were frightfully ignorant and these were dark times. My parents were told I would always be sickly and I might die. I was put in a hospital bed as a small 5 year old child in lightless hallway. I was left alone, covered in wires and strobes and left to cry and scream at the top of my fucking lungs while they observed me behind a glass window to see if stress would induce seizures. That’s RETARDED!  And to this day, I vividly remember the mid-evil practice.

Oh, and the bit I do, I mention “retard strength” in an argument with a bully. Why, because that is how children actually talk.

I think the most disgusting fact in this entire ordeal I went through is that she had to point out how offended she was with the word retard but completely ignored at one point in my last bit,  I also used the word “Fagot”. I guess the word fagot is fine though because fagots aren’t, “One of God’s specially chosen children.”  Just in case you are still confused, I was often described as “special”. If we are going to discuss offensive and derogatory terms, I’ll start with that word and will continue using the words crippled and retard until all you retards are dead.

LB

Oct 222013
 

It’s kinda a funny story. Okay, not really. All this time I thought my DVD, “Truth Hurts” was available to buy online at MY LITTLE STORE, Which by the way,  that’s my store. Well, I guess I never uploaded the product info. So all this time I was thinking, shit, why isn’t anybody buying my product? Maybe because they couldn’t. Sure a small glitch, not as big of a glitch “Affordable  Health Care Act” is going through, but a glitch never-the-less.

Anyway, TRUTH HURTS is now available for purchase as a hard copy DVD (comes with all extra features) and the money goes directly to me.  or you can purchase it as a digital video download on Chill.com. You can also purchase individual tracks or the entire fucking audio album over iTunes, cdbaby, and Amazon. With this many options there is no reason why you shouldn’t be garbing a copy today.

I’ve tried to make it as easy as possible for you to get this in as many formats as possible. Please do me a favor, don’t be a dick bag and make copies of it, spreading it all over the web. There isn’t much I can do to stop you from doing it. I’m not a record company , I’m just an artist who hopes you respect my intellectual property. Thanks in advance for not being a dick bag.

TRUTH HURTS Digital Video Download.
Now Available on Chill.com

TRUTH HURTS DIGITAL VIDEO

 

Audio Version Available on

TRUTH HURTS Available on cdbaby

Audio Version Available on iTunes

TRUTH HURTS Available on iTunes

 

 

Jul 142013
 

Truth Hurts DVDLast Thursday afternoon 11 boxes arrived on my doorstep. “Truth Hurts” is in my possession!  Next Saturday July 20th is my DVD release party.  This is a party. I will be doing my first live podcast of “From The Nook” and interviewing Jimmy Newstetter who performed brilliantly in my extra features sketch, Crystal Kordowski and Chris Smith, who were my amazing opening acts. I’ll have some of my favorite comedians doing showcase sets; I’ll be performing new material and we will be viewing a special features clip. We aren’t doing a cover so just come and enjoy a night of celebration and be the first to get a signed copy of my new DVD.

I’ll see you all Sat.
LB

Apr 302013
 

Where in the hell do I begin.

I’ve been at this for a long ass time. I first stepped on a stage in 1989.  I have had lot of ups and downs over the last 23 years.  I have had my success and my failures and in the last two years, I’ve really found comfort on stage.  I’ve been labeled too many things to give a shit.  Bookers have been reluctant to book me but I have always had an amazing relationship with my audience. I have always had passion, love  and a special connection with both my fans and for those who are seeing me for the first time.

In my 23 years, I have had a few major milestones. The first was in 1991 when I became the youngest ever to win to the Portland Laugh Off at just 19. This put me on the road professorially.  The second was the 2007 recording of my first DVD, Cripple xXx. The third was after an eight year banning at my local Comedy Club, Harvey’s, I was able to return for a one night only special event performance.  The show sold  out and I gave a once-in-a-lifetime performance which earned me a standing ovation and rekindled relationship with the owner. I must have nine lives in this career because every time people think I’m down for the count, I get back up and show my critics, this was always the only thing I was meant to do.

On March 27th of this year, I recorded live at Star Theater in Portland, OR for my newest speciel, “Truth Hurts” and  it was another epic memory in my ever-evolving career.  It is a night  I will never forget, and now you will get a chance to see the official trailer.  For the first time in my 23 years, I finally had a camera crew capture the connection I so desperately strive to get with each show.

This year has been a fantastic year for me. I leave tomorrow morning for Wilmington North Carolina and the 2013 Cape Fear Comedy Festival. If you are in the area, join myself and 100′s of other extremely talented comedians and watch us do what we love to do.

See you on the other side and I hope you enjoy.

Lonald

 

 

Mar 262013
 

I’m sure by now you already know that I will not be doing a podcast episode this week.  If you don’t know why, you haven’t been in the loop for the past 6 months.  It is weird to say this but tomorrow night I’ll be on the stage at Star Theater performing my new DVD, “Truth Hurts”.  It has been a  gauntlet week of comedy showcases, podcasts and live talk shows just to promote this truly magical experience I’m about to embark on.  I don’t want to blow this out of proportion.  I just know, for me, it is a benchmark play in my career. Maybe I’m not a famous comedian but I’m a lucky one.  I’m a comedy luck dragon. All stupid jokes aside, this will be an unforgettable night of comedy for me… and it is almost upon us.

Chris Smith, who is opening up for me tomorrow night and who has been headlining all week on his first west coast tour.  He has been outstanding in every performance.  Thank you for the love, support and friendship. I’m glad you could share this with me. You all will want Chris to be your uncle at your next Thanksgiving dinner. Crystal Kordowski, you are truly good from the inside out.  I have to say though; you are warped beyond repair. Who really would want to fix that? Not me.  She is hosting people and if you have never seen her.  She is queen mother of honesty, truth and justice. She will tickle your ass with her feather of broken thoughts. It is shaped like a finger and tastes like peanut butter and breast milk. Let Momma hold you until you feel better.

See you on the other side.

BUY ADVANCE TICKETS THROUGH THE LINK BELOW
http://startheaterportland.com/?Page=http%3a%2f%2fpublic.ticketbiscuit.com%2fStarTheaterPortland%2fEvents%2f156633

Feb 282013
 

I have decided that I want to write and star in my own show called Lonnie?’s life in a pool. Everything would take place in the pool and I would do normal everyday jobs that I can’t do when I’m not in a pool, like UPS driver or furniture delivery man. Now in return for this treat, please help support my kickstarter project and share it, I only have 11 more days to complete my goal.

http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/2046694635/project-truth-hurts-a-dvd-in-the-making

Lonald